Las Vegas Ceasars Circuit $500 Tourney

I try wake up at 11am but I'm not feeling that well. I'm in my 3rd day of a master cleanse fast and its usually the worst day of the 10. I lay there complating my day to come. Should I just stay in bed and watch tivo? Or should I get up, take a shower, get dressed, drink my shitty lemonade, and drive all the way down to Ceasars to spend $500 on a tournament that I'll probably last two levels in?

I choose the more painful option of the two and get out of bed.

Table draw:
Seat 1: younger guy. Wearing a Abercombie and Fitch sweat shirt. His bro hawk has molted, probably due to a late night out.
Seat 2: middle aged wife of someone else playing in the tournament. She has giant boobs and her hands shake.
Seat #3: oldtimer with a Hollywood park hat on and a gold watch. Looks to be the savoyest of the group
Seat 4: a younger oldtimer with a turbo swift hat. WTF is that?
Seat 5: older middle aged house wife. Short hair, specticles, 50ish. I bet her husband has a mustache and likes to fish for bass.
Seat 6: empty
Seat 7: possible sag with a receding mini mullet. Sag status not confirmed since shook hands with Allen the chainsaw kessler, the super nit.
Seat 8: non- descript random middle aged white guy
Seat 9: jdn
Seat 10: older guy with track suit and long eyebrow hairs.

Our dealer is officially the slowest shuffler evar.

Breaking news! Bad read on me. Seat 5 is English. She asked the waitress for some water and with apperance of a fanny pack, or a FUPA* pack in this case, her englishness was confirmed.

After the first break I have 5k and seat 6 is filled with another potential sag. A young Asian lady sits down and I can tell by the way she's handling her chips and cards, that's she's a gambler. I'll have to wait and see if she's a sicko.

After the 2nd break I have 6500. Turns out both of my potential sags are pags (passive asain gambler) and my table is one of the tightest ever.

Early in the 3rd level we lose the lady pag and the non-descript middle aged white guy. Shorty after this cat I know, Amir, moves into seat 6 and it makes me wish I brought my head phones. Non-descript white guy was replaced by non-descript balding white guy, who turns out to be a cool guy who donates all his chips to me.

A few hands later I run my queens into the pocket 7s of the oldtimer with the Hollywood Park hat and lose 850.

I win a big pot against long eyebrow hair guy and lose another 1200 to turbo swift when my AJ can't out run his KQ.

I'd been torturing big breasted house wife for most of the tourney and I'm on tilt when she finally moves all in into a limped pot. I announce a tilt call with 73 of hearts. I think I have two live cards... Nope. She's got 77. Drawing dead on the turn. As boobies drags the pot she starts mumbling something and I reply, "you shouldn't complain, you won."

She mutters something about being greedy before she waves me off and the oldtimers and myself have a chuckle.

I lose most of my chips on a board of 9 4 3 all hearts with two black 7s. I had raised preflop and the brohawk in seat 1 called. I led out on the flop and he thought for a while before pushing in. I call pretty quickly and tell him he's only got one heart. He's got QhJc. Brillant play sir. The turn is red. Diamond. Good. River is red. Deuce of hearts. Shit.

Down to about 2500 now and the very next hand I have AJ of spades. I shove and English lady calls with TT. Ace on the turn and I double up. Snap.

Yum. Spicy lemonade.

After the 3rd break we've lost a few people including the oldtimers and big boobies. Turbo swift was replaced by a big guy that we will call Biggie. Biggie liked to play a lot of hands in early position. He also liked to play a lot of hands badly. He had about 22k in front of him and I had somehow amassed a pile of 18k.

He limped in early postion with the blinds at 300/600 with a 75 ante. I called with a9 off in middle position. The small and big blind also called/checked.

The flop fell T Q 8 with two diamonds. The blinds and biggie check. Oh momma I got a gutter ball! I bet out 2500 as the blinds fold and biggie calls. Hmm. He usually leads out with a big hand. (In the previous orbit he had led out in ep with kk against my TT and he shoved on a flop of A K x. I folded pretty quickly as he showed the table marvelous play.) So I didn't think he had a straight or even a Q. The turn comes 7. He checks again. He's gotta have a ten. I fire out 6k. He calls pretty quickly.

The river is an ace of hearts. He makes this bizarre face before checking. WTF was that. Does he have AT? Bugger. I check. He opens up JT. I show my A9 and drag the pot. 40k.

The very next hand biggie limps under the gun. I look down at two jacks and raise it to 2k. Everyone folds to biggie who calls. Flop comes A 7 2. He checks. I'm golden. I check. Turn is another ace. He moves in and I quickly call. He rolls his eyes thinking I have an ace. Nope just jacks. Snap. He shows QT and ships the pot to me. Weeeeeee.

45k at dinner break. I think I'm 2nd in chips.

My table finally gets broken with around 60 players left and I have about 50k. At my new table is someone who I've never met but I know by name. Hollywood Dave. He's a talker folks. He also apparently has his own clothing line with "HD" on everything. Looks like someone has been watching too many Helmuth instructional videos because in addition to the clothing line named after him, he thinks he's the best player at the table and like to berate bad plays.

I know his gf, Tiffany-Michelle aka Hot Chips aka Chopped Liver (inside joke), and she is sweating him from the table behind us. As soon as she introduces us I know he's going to come after me. He's a short guy. Short guys gotta mark their territory, like a dog pissing. Sure enough he raises my first big blind. I know its coming before he does. I fold the hand knowing this is gonna get ugly at some point.

Doesn't take long till we get mixed up in a pot. He raises in early position (I can't remember what level we're at) and I call in late with AT. Everyone else folds. The flop falls K 9 x. He checks. He's got air. I check. The turn is a 4 of hearts putting two hearts on board. He bets out a pot sized bet and I call. The river is another 9 and he checks. He's on bigger air than me. AQ I think. There's only one way I'm winning this pot. All in.

Of course he talks himself through the hand 8 times. Asking if I have a full house or busted flush draw. He finally makes a disgusted fold. Later he said he had KJ but never asked me what I had. AQ for sure.

The best thing about bad players that think they're good is that they'll lay down hands. Bad players that have no clue won't lay hands down.

We get down to 47, with 45 paying, I decide to try and abuse the bubble. To say it was successful is an understatement. I went from 55Kish to 85K with out seeing a turn card. Saw two flops with KQ and KJ and hit a K on both to pick them up. I made a preflop raise on average of 3.5 times an orbit and no one reraised. This game is easy.

Once we are down to 45 we redraw. To my left... Men "The Master" Nguyen. Did you know he wears heels? See the grainy cell phone picture below.

1am.

20 players left. I have 145k. I haven't shown a non all in hand since I was at 50k.

Play ends at 2am. I have $185,500 and that’s good for second place. I was up to $254,000 but I donated some chips to “The Master” is a blind vs blind hand that I played horridly. Oh well I’m in good shape. 15 players come back tomorrow for the final two tables. Time for sleep.

JDN

*FUPA is a Fat Upper Pussy Area

Bellabaaaarffgio Super Satellite

I should have seen this one coming. I have a pretty good track record in supers, but I keep seeming to forget that I can't win shit at the Bellagio.

Table draw:
Seat 1: 70s Porn Guy that kinda looks like a mini Sawyer from Lost
Seat 2: Random Old Guy
Seat 3: Cyndy "The Microbiotic Momma" Violet
Seat 4: Super SAG, seriously, this guy needed a fucking costume with SS on it
Seat 5: Little ole' me
Seat 6: Dave Redland
Seat 7: Cowboy Kenna James
Seat 8: Random East Coast Guy
Seat 9: Champie Douglas
Seat 10: The guy who showed up late and busted first

WTF kinda satellite is this? There's supposed to be 9 old guys that I don't know in this thing but I should have saw it coming while standing in line to buy in. Jason Potter was a few places in front of me (understandable since he got mugged making a McDonald's run down under) and a few places in front of him was Alex Kravchenko. Guess 4 place in the WSOP main event is only good enough for the a super to the WPT main event.

I also spotted Eskimo lurking around the line looking for donations. Most important thing to remember in a situation like this is not to make eye contact. Eye contact means that you will lose some money. Thankfully I decided to stare at my shoes for 5 minutes.

As soon as I sat down Champie says to me, "We played together before. You called me the annoying guy in your blog post." Referring to an old pokerwire from last years WSOP main event.

"Well, you kinda were annoying. They gave you a mini flash light at a poker table." I replied.


"JD," he said. "Today I'm gonna to make you change your mind. I'm a nice guy."

Champie is a nice guy he's just got a little to much energy. I'm entirely sure how he sits at a poker table for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Soooo... the super sat. Yeah. Not a lot to talk about. I think we started with 4k but it could have been 5k. At my best I was at 10k but then I couldn't keep the momentum going. 70s porn guy got a money shot in the face from the deck. He busted random old guy, Cyndy, and the Super SAG. Kenna must have had some stomach virus or something. He probably was only at the table for 10 mins in the first two levels but still managed to get busted by Dave Redland when Kenna flopped a flush and lost to Dave's bigger flush on the river. Off into the sunset the cowboy goes.

Our table got moved to the Fontana room in the 4th level and at my new table was Ray Henson who seems to be at my table in every tournament we play. Needless to say it didn't take long for me to get it all in with 33 vs AK and I was on my way home. Baaaaaarf. I'm going to stay away from Bellagio tournaments for a while. Maybe forever.

Next up... Vancouver BC and two WPT tournaments in the Great White North.

JDN

The Montel

Montel Williams, yes that Montel Williams, from time to time will host $1K SNGs at the Nugget. They're called "The Montel." Really. There's a poster and everything posted outside the poker room. The poker room floors stand outside the room trying to get people to play Montel. "You know who Montel Williams is? He's here. Wanna play poker with him? Yes that Montel Williams."

I met Scott Fischman at noon for the first one of the day. We had 9 players, you start with 10K in chips with 30 min levels 1st and 2nd place pay. Not to shabby for a SNG at the Nugget.

It didn't take long for me to get into an interesting hand with Mr. Williams, with the blinds at 50/100 he limped under the gun. It was called by 3 other players, including myself with the big bad AT off, until the button, a younger kid who we later found out bought in with his whole bank roll, raised to 350. Everyone called. This is gonna be a good table. The flop came down A 2 T. Ding! Montel bet out 400, the music mogul, not really one but but he looked and talked like one, to my right called and I reraised to 1100. Montel announces raise and throws a few more $1000 chips into the pot. Huh? The mogul folds and I have to contemplate this a for a moment. I guess he could have Aces. But from what Scott told me about him he's fairly aggressive so I figure he's gonna raise under the gun with either AA,TT, AK, or AQ. He could have 22 easily or even the same hand as me. Wow. I put him on 22. I tell him that I go broke on this hand 99% of the time and I fold my hand face up.

WTF? Was pretty much the whole reaction of the table. Including Montel who's brows furrowed just the slightest before he asked if I want to see his hand. He flipped up his 22 before I had a chance to respond. Game on!

The rest of the table said that they would have all gone busto if they were me in that hand. That Montel was a very loose aggressive player. Everything he did just told me that he had a set. It all added up. I was also able to make the lay down because I still had 8500 in chips behind me. Good structure and starting chips begets good play from JDN. Too bad I didn't win.

I busted in 4th after being card dead for the remainder of my time at that SNG. Then next one will start around 4pm so I have some time to kill. Video poker! Heineken!


I made a big call in the second SNG to bust Montel. I had raised in late position with A4 off and was reraised by Mr Chilliams in the big blind. The flop rolled out A 6 J and Montel pushed in. I thought about it again for a minute. He seemed bored. Ready to double up or bust. So I called. He turn over a KQ and my A4 held up to bust his shizzle. Scott Fischman and I got 3 handed with the asian girl, we wondered if she was John Phan's sister because she definitely had the symptoms of SAG, who had satellited in the previous night. I figured there was no way one of us wasn't winning that one. Don't you worry. I got 3rd and Scott cashed 2nd. Rigged.

After being joined by Gavin, Bobo, and Jeremiah, we played a few more. Jeremiah and I chopped the one where we let Gavin rebuy and between SNG's Gavin and I played $25 a point Chinese poker. Royalty on the first hand! TYVM! I also joined Bobo at the 2/5 table for one hand where I got $300 in the pot with a 5 high flush draw to random asian guys queens. No love for me.

I had one interesting in the final SNG took place between myself and Jeremiah. I was about a 7 on the Heineken Factor* scale. Jeremiah was near an 8 on the bad play scale. In late position Heremiah raised a standard 3x raise. (Blinds and chips stacks are irrelevant when you're past 5 on the Heineken Scale. As is playing in turn, betting/calling/raising the right amount, and staying in your chair.) Knowing that Heremiah's game is full of shit, I reraise him with the 'ole 52 off. He thinks a moment before pushing all in. Well I have to call now. I think its possible that I'm priced in but math is something I'm not capable of at the moment. I call. He flips over 6T off. I told him, "I knew you had shit! Thats second level thinking!" I got two live cards! Too bad he hits a 6 on the flop. I could have been drawing live but the turn and river were blurry. He took most of my chips and I was left with 1 yellow, 1 pink and 3 grays.

Gavin's reaction was, "That's two level of suck."
Scott said, "You two are horrible."
Random hot girl on the rail, "Idiots."

I played 5 SNG's and broke even, except for losing $300 at 2/5 and $100 at video poker. I got some free food, met Montel, busted Montel, and made my friend Jeremiah look like a fool. Good times.

JDN

* The Heineken Factor: This scale is based on the number of Heinekens consumed, multiplied by 2.5 divided by the number of brain cells left. Really. No not really. Basically it's math/poker comprehension scale based on the total number of Heineken's orally consumed. 1 point of the scale roughly translates to 2.5 bottles of Heineken.

Another Bellagio 2K

Ok, so I'm going to try my luck again at the Bellagio. I've never had any good tournament results there. Not even when playing the daily 5 hundo.

While driving down to there I have this overwhelming sense of dread. Turn around and go home. Now. Go play Call of Duty 4. You can always win at that. I can't turn around, I'm already 3 blocks from home. Pot committed. Guess I'm going to be pissing away 2K again.

Seat 1: RWG
Seat2: RWG
Seat 3: Random young Asian internet kid
Seat 4: RWG
Seat 5: Our Hero
Seat 6: RWG
Seat 7: RWG
Seat 8: Random old white guy with a large pinkie ring that has the letters O and H. So I don't know if its HO or OH.
Seat 9: Richard Tatalovich (who always reminds me of a mini Rudy Tomjanovich. I wonder if Richard has ever been laid out on the hard wood)
Seat 10: Mark Seif*

Ok. This should be a good table. A bunch of nits and a wildman. Let's get it on!

Unfortunately it starts out as a repeat of the first 2K. Can't really get anything going but this time I'm actually winning a few hands, and losing a few. We lose a couple of players and they are replaced by a crazy french guy to my left (who's mumbling to himself and every so often he sings out "Viva Las Vegas!") and Chris Vaughn to my right. I chat a bit with Chris before we realize who each other is and that we met at last years WSOP. At one point he proudly claimed, "You know that whole Sorel getting banned from Full Tilt? That was me." Yeah I know.

At break I have a fit of deja vu as I end up with 1300 again. Shortly after break I find my spot to move in. There is an early limper, this guys been playing a lot of hands so probably doesn't have a strong hand, and I shove with 44. Old guy with the HO pinkie ring calls pretty fast but I have him covered. Early limper doesn't think long before calling with A8. Pinkie Ring has KT. Ok, not looking so bad until the flop comes 8 7 2. Turn comes a 6. I say, "How about a 5." I'm being greedy. I want the straight but I wouldn't mind a 4. Ding! 5 on the river. I more than triple up. Now I can make standard raises and I can play poker. I've be waiting 6 levels for this.

I pick up a few more pots and get my stack up to 14K before getting moved to a table with Jean-Robert Bellande in the 10 seat. I've never typing Jean-Robert again. He's Bobby. Thats what I call him and he's from LA. No one from LA is named Jean-Robert, it's Bobby.

A few hands in, I'm on the button. Alan "The tightest man in poker with the most money" Smurfit limps under the gun, next to act, a younger guy wearing an Affliction type shirt, raises to 2500. Based on his choice of apparel I put him on a weak to medium Ace. Its folded around to the player to my right who reraises to 8000. I look down at two black queens. Damn. I gotta think about this one.

There's no way I'm good here. Alan could have taken the TJ approach and limped with aces. Already have my read on Affliction guy. A 4x raise makes me think this guy has a big hand. I have just over 10K in chips. Arrghh. I apologize to the table for taking so long and a few seconds later Affliction guy calls the clock on me. Fucker. Lemme think this out. Bastard.

I'm getting the right price. I'm short. There's 30 people left in the tournament. 18 pay. I can fold and lose only the ante, play short stack ninja and try to cash or I can push in and see if I can hit a 2 outter. Theres no way I'm ahead here. I briefly contemplate flat calling and shoving on the flop regardless but there's no reason to do that. The floor counts down the final ten seconds. I can fold. 9. I know I'm beat. 8. Fuck that, I 'm here to win this thing. 7. Wwgd? (what would gus do?) 6. Fold damn it! 5. "I'm all in."

Small blind, big blind, Alan Smurfit, and Affliction guy all fold. The guy to my right opens up two black kings. I don't open my hand because he hasn't declared that he's calling my raise all in. Can I angle this? The dealer asks me to open my hand. I can open my hand and let the board run out, if he wins I give him his 8k and I'll still have 2k left. If the floor rules in my favor. So I go right ahead and tell the dealer that he hasn't called. She says to me, "Don't worry he is."

This is the first time that I ever wanted to slap a dealer.

Whatever.

The board falls 4 hearts and an ace. I'm outty . Affliction guy announces that he had AT. I know you did buddy. Douche.

I guess I can go play the Venetian Deep Stack now.

JDN

*One of my favorite drunk gambling nights was with Mark and Gsmith in Turks and Caicos. Down to my last 400, Gavin and I headed for the craps table. Of course I had to give him half of my bank roll to play and that left us 200 each. The craps table in the casino could not be longer than 5 feet. I pretty much could place my bets anywhere on the table without too much effort. Needless to say we had all of the $25 chips before too long and it was our turn to roll. Gavin and I made a prop bet on the number of points we would each roll. $1k for every point rolled. I was first. Don't you worry. I snap off 4 points before I 7 out. Up 4k. There's no way Gavin can beat this. He might get 2 points but he's more than likely to roll a seven right out of the gate. I consider betting the dark side to jinx the bastard but I don't because we're running hot. Mofo rolls 4 points and 7's out. WTF? Its hard to be in a better spot than that and I do is break even. Blackjack!

With a couple of dimes in our pockets when head over to the blackjack pit which is all of 10 feet away. This casino is the size of the bellagio poker. At the bj table we start firing. Two hands each starting at $50 a bet. We're pushing our bets, winning all the double downs and the dealer is busting. Mark sits down at a table on the other side of the pit, the dealer shuffle the shoes and he's off to the races. Before long Gavin and I have all the $100 chips at the table. They bring out the $500 chips and obvisouly we start betting bigger. Not satisfied with that I decide that I need more action and I declare to Mark that I will be taking half his action on the current bet. Of course he loses and I throw him two black chips. This kicks off a chip throwing party as Mark and I start throwing a couple hundo back and forth between each hand. The pit boss finally has seen enough and he tell us that we have to stop throwing chips over the pit. I tell him, not to worry, I'll catch everyone as I toss 4 black chips over to Mark.

When we decide to cash out I notice 5 consectutive red numbers on the roullete table. I throw down two $500 chips on black. Red number shit! I gotta get even. Two more $500 chips on black. Red number fuck! Ok, I'm stuck 2k now. So if I put another 2k down and win, I'll be even. So I put 3k down on black ignoring the table limit of 2k per bet. Mark asks the pit if its ok for me to make that bet. The pit says with a smile, "Oh yeah."
Black number! Snap! Ship it!

After cashing out the casino manager gives us a ride back to club med not wanting us to get robbed and so hopefully we would come back the nice with our winnings. I loaned most of my money to Mike Matusow, which is like being robbed, the next day.

Bellagio 2K

The 5 star started out with a $2100 buy in that I thought would pull in 350 to 400 players. My bad. They only get 240 and while waiting in line to buy in I can see who's going to be at my table. Allen Cunningham and Melissa Hayden are a few places behind me in line and I'm guaranteed to have at least one of them at my table. Table 41 seat 6, here I come.

Table draw:
Seat 1: empty
Seat 2: empty
Seat 3: empty
Seat 4: random crazy old guy who likes to tell me how much he's won at the Bellagio.
Seat 5: random internet kid
Seat 6: our hero
Seat 7: empty (soon filled by random Internet kid #2)
Seat 8: empty
Seat 9: Dan Druff
Seat 10: Melissa Hayden

Nothing much happens as we wait to get moved. Even though we're starting with 4k in chips it still feels like a turbo. I really only play one hand at this table while Melissa brings up the recent news story about a bunch of 3rd graders planning to kill their teacher. I think Dan Druff mentions that he didn't think 3rd graders we're that organized and that they should be praised for their motivation.

My one hand goes like this. Dan raises from under the gun to 150 and is called by Melissa. Its folded around to me and I look down at QQ and reraise to 425. Small and big blind fold. Dan calls and Melissa relucantely mucks. The flop falls 5 7 K, Dan checks, and I bet 600. Dan thinks for a while and reraises me all in. Presto? Probably. Its a really good raise from him because if I have AK, I can't fold this early in a tournament. Remember this is also a faux-turbo. I muck my Qs face up and Melissa announces that she knew what I had. Riiight you ginger. Get back to folding!

The table breaks soon after and I'm unable to get those chips back. Damn. I don't really know anyone at the next table save for Ted "I have a straight" Lawson in the 7 seat and a guy that looks like Kevin Sorbo in the 6 hole. I played with Hercules in one of the Venetian Deep Stacks and he plays pretty much like you would expect the mythical strongman to play. I don't think likes me much since the time he doubled me up at the Venetian and I asked to him to only pay me in big chips. I don't take quarters. Thanks.

So of course anytime I'm in a hand he's right there with me. It doesn't long for me to raise under the gun to 300 with 33. Herc and Ted Lawson call and the flop comes 4 7 9. I figure its a decent flop for 33 so I bet out 700. Sorbo calls and Ted reraises. I haven't played with Ted enough to know what that means so I quickly fold and so does Kevin.

I pretty much fold to the break and end up with the 1300 going into the first break and the next level at 100/200. I'm in all in or fold mode which I like because I don't really have any decisions to make. Fold weak aces early and shove with any decent hand middle to late.

It doesnt take long for me to pick up 77 in middle position behind a limper and a standard raise to 600. It folds back around to the young raiser and I tell him that its ok to fold. Facing my big min raise all in, he makes the correct play and calls. He opens up KJ. The original limper claims that he KJ too. Ok, that makes me feel a little better about this hand. Flop falls 10 high. This is goot. Turn is a 9. Shit! No Paint! No Paint. Queen on the river and my day is done.

This was the first tournament that I've never won a hand in. So poor. I'm so over it. I need a burrito.

WTF?

JDN