Random Golf Tournament for... Medical Students?

Disclaimer: I know this isn't golfwtf.com (I gotta see if that's available) but I've been playing more golf than poker lately and this is a tournament, and I'm playing with some degen poker players, so it seems like a perfect fit for pokerwtf.

So Jeff Madsen texts me the other night and asks if I want to play a golf tournament. Having just played two days in a row, I was a little hesitant to say yes, until I found out that Gavin, Bobo, and Layne were playing too.

Ok I'm in and we got action!

I show up at the Eagle Crest Golf Club at 1:30 and I can't find anyone. I text Gavin and he says he's on his way. Off to the driving range.

I find Madsen and he tries to steal my bucket of range balls. You gotta watch this kid.

We head back up to the carts to get started, but Gavin and Bobo are no where to be seen. The professor that organized this thing is asking us where Gav is and I tell him he's on his way.

Team New Hotness

2:15pm
Still no Gsmith. Madsen and I find the refreshment cart and promptly remove all their Heinekens for $4 each. And! They give us a cooler.

Team Old and Busted

2:20pm
We meet our other twosome that will be playing with us. They're med students and I forget their names as soon as the first Heineken is cracked open.

2:25pm
Gavin, Bobo, and Ryan (Gavin's Manservant is taking Layne's place because he's in jail again. Just kidding, he's playing the SCOOP) make their entrance and even from 50 yards away, I can tell that Gavin is drunk. His hair is doing that bozo thing where it is just sticking straight out. Kinda like Curly from the 3 Stooges.

Turns out he was playing trivia all night at the Porchlight and when Madsen called him at 12:15pm he was still there. Stay classy G!

Bets get placed and we're ready to go. I bet Jeff $100 a side and $5 a putt. I give him 6 shots over the whole course and 2 putts. We also get two mulligans apiece.

Jeff gets a bet down with Gavin for $2K. Team vs team and Gavin's giving us 10 shots. We could be good here.

2:30pm
We finally head off to hole #14 for our shotgun start.

Madsen drops his beer while driving. I almost have to jump out of the moving cart to avoid getting wet.

Hole #14 par 3
We lose our partners, they decided to drive across the 13th green for some reason. So we tee off. Madsen grounds his to the right and I put mine in the shit on the left. Great start.

The med students finally show up to tee off and I realize that they only have 1 golf bag. The guy wearing the Affliction shirt holds a driver up and asks me if he should use this club. Oh boy.

Turns out neither of these guys have ever played before. Aiyeah.

Jeff and I bet on who will get the better score. I take Affliction guy and Jeff takes the guy with the shorts. $100 on this one.

The first hole takes us 25 minutes to complete. This is gonna be a long day.

Madsen: 6 shots 2 putts
JDN: 5 shots 2 putts

Hole #15 Par 3
The yardage sign reads 147 from the white tees. I take an 8 iron and hit a beautiful shot straight at the pin. Looks a little long. It bounces on the back of the green and into some bushes across the cart path.

That sign is a liar!

Madsen: 6
JDN: 5

Hole #16 par 3

Madsen: 3 shots 2 putts
JDN: 4 shots 2 putts

Hole #17 par 3
This is a closer to the hole... hole. I put it in the sand behind the hole and take 3 shots to get out. I hate the sand.

Madsen: 6 shots 3 putts
JDN: 6 shots 3 putts

Hole #18 par 4
Our first driver hole! I put mine about 250 yards out, but to the right and I lose the ball. Pretty sure one of those poor med students on the hole next to us picked it up.

On the green, Affliction guy tells me that he wants to be a ER doctor. Sweet, there's hot chicks in the ER. I watch House. Then he tells me about sticking his finger in other dudes' asses. I'll pass.

Madsen shows us his "ball behind the club" technique.

Madsen drives the cart up next to the green and the marshall yells at him. I tell the marshall that he's going to be doing a lot of that today.

Madsen: 7 shots 2 putts
JDN: 5 shots and 2 putts

Hole #1 par 4
At 306 yards, I almost drive to the green, but end up in the sand on the right. I have problems getting out. It would probably help if I had a sand wedge and not a lob wedge for these.

Madsen: 7 shots 2 putts
JDN: 6 shots 2 putts

Hole #2 par 3
We're almost out of beer. Everyone has to pee.

Madsen: 5 shots 3 putts
JDN: 5 shots 2 putts

Hole #3 par 3
The refreshment cart arrives! Yes!

Madsen: 4 shots 1 putt
JDN: 4 shots 2 putts

Hole #4 par 3
After peeing everyone is invigorated and ready for more. I put my tee shot 6 feet from the pin and I still 2 putt it. Blargh! At least I made par.

Madsen: 5 shots 3 putts
JDN: 3 shots 2 putts

Hole #5 par 4
I lose my tee shot in the water and Madsen doesn't. He puts his over the water and has to hit from the beach on the other side of the lake. Pretty sure he cheated on this hole.

Madsen: 5 shots 2 putts
JDN: 6 shots 3 putts

Hole #6 par 3
I hit my tee shot fat and only make it half way to the green. I hit my second shot fat and lay up in front of the green. I quit.

Madsen: 5 shots 2 putts
JDN: 6 shots 3 putts

Hole #7 par 3
I get the tee shot within 10 feet of the pin before 2 putting it. So rigged against birdies.

Madsen: 6 shots 2 putts
JDN: 3 shots 2 putts

Pee Break!

We block off the tunnel and whizzle.

Madsen killing ants

Hole #8 par 3
Nothing interesting happened on this hole.

Madsen: 6 shots 3 putts
JDN: 5 shots 2 putts

Hole #9 par 4
Play has slowed. When we reach the tee box, there are 2 other teams in front of us. We decide to draft players on the foursome behind us, Gavin, Bobo, Ryan, and the Professor, and bet on closest to the hole for $50 a shot. We both win one and lose one for a push.

Madsen decides to run up a drainage pipe until he walks into some spider webs and runs out screaming, "Ahhh spiders!" like a little girl.



Madsen: 7 shots 3 putts
JDN: 6 shots 3 putts

Hole #10 par 4
Both Madsen and I have decent drives on this hole. When I reach my ball I realize that it's about 5 yards short of the longest drive. Damn, if I would have known that, I would have taken a mulligan to try and out-drive it. I need that $25 gift certificate to Sammy's.

On the green we decide to implement a new rule. You have to bring your beer with you to the green. We're gonna need more beer.

Madsen: 6 shots 2 putts
JDN: 5 shots 1 putt

Hole #11 par 3
After our tee shots, some college girls show up with booze. Sweet. They apparently have been driving around this whole time giving out free drinks. Oh what the hell? We're almost done and we're just finding out about this? I ask for a beer and all they have is Coors Light or MGD. Good grief. Gimme the silver bullet.

Madsen: 5 shots 3 putts
JDN: 5 shots 3 putts

Hole #12 par 3
Again we're waiting for the team ahead of us so we bet on Gavin and company's tee shots. I scoop and I'm up $200. Yeah boy!

Madsen: 6 shots 1 putt
JDN: 6 shots 2 putts

Hole #13 par 4
I have to use my last mulligan on this one because Madsen hit a nice drive about 280 yards out. On my second tee shot I crush it right up the middle and Madsen tries to tell me his is longer. Bet! I'm about 20 yards from the hole and out drive him by 80 yards. Sucka!

Madsen: 6 shots 2 putts
JDN: 4 shots 2 putts

As a team we end up shooting a 90. Pretty good. Gavin and Bobo need to shoot a 79 or better to win. I think Madsen is money here. I shoot a 96 with 41 putts. Jeff got a 107 with 49 putts. I beat him for $500 something. I need to play with him more often.

Gavin and Bobo shoot a 71. Oops. They beat us by 19 strokes. We are so bad.

We join Gavin and Bobo near the putting green and we all get our gamble on. We throw golf balls closest to a designated pin. Jeff and Gavin are betting in the thousands and Bobo and I are betting $5 a throw.

Madsen shagging balls.

Gavin just got pwned

Good times.

JDN

Canada Part Duex

My cell phone is ringing. I can sleep through that. The room phone is rigging. Fuckers! This is a day off. No tournaments! I pick the phone. No ones there. Am I high? Cell phone rings again. Its Bobo.

"Come Down stairs. We're leaving in 15 min." He says. "... ok." I reply.

I get up. My head is pounding. I change the underroos but put on the same clothes from yesterday. No time for a shower. We're leaving in 15 minutes. We're the fuck are we going?

I stumble down stairs and meet up with Gavin, Bobo, Cowboy Kenna James, Lacey, and Devo. Where are we going?

I climb into the back of Gav's Escalade with Devo as Kenna drives and Lacey rides shotgun. Gavin and Bobo jump on their bikes and follow us. WTF?

"Devo!? Where are we going?" I ask. "Whistler." He replies.

Fuck. Thats not close. I'll take a nap.

About a half an hour into the ride I try to lay down in the back of the truck to get some real sleep. That lasts for all of 10 minutes before something in mah tummy starts to turn. I might vomit. Its an odd sensation for someone like me. I don't puke very often. Its probably been 5 years since my last hurl and its never because I drank too much. Usually its bad fish or sour cream that will make me toss my cookies.

I get back in my seat and roll down the window. This is really going to happen. Fuck. Its a child safe window and it only rolls half way down. I gotta turn my head sideways to get it out of the window. I see Gavin and Bobo behind us and I smile at them. Dry heave #1. After the 3rd one I let it rip. Baaarf!

Going 100 KPH and puking is an interesting experience. A first for me. The vomit basically sides down the side of the car and then kinda splash off the back end.

In between upchucks I look back at the guys on the bikes. Gavin is just shaking his head and Bobo is laughing his ass off. Probably not a good idea to being laughing while driving a motorcycle at 60 MPH.

Baaarf!

One of the onions that I ate last night makes an encore and sticks to the outside handle of the Escalade. That was good. I didn't want to lose that. Dang.

Once done with my evacuation, I roll the window back up and return to my seat. Lacey asks, "Are you ok?"

"I am now. Let's eat!" Yum!

After lunch we made our way up to Whistler and settled into a local pub that had the absolute worst food evar! I know that we had just had lunch but we needed more. The pizza was shit and according to Kenna the chicken wings were the driest thing he's ever put in his mouth...

Kenna also introduced us to his speech impediment. For whatever reason he liked to repeat words twice. It was like watching that old fast food commercial, "Double double cheese cheese burger burger please please."

He also couldn't say Devo's complete name in one breath. It was always, "Brian Devon... wait for it... shire." Or "Brian Devon of the Shire." Hobbit loving mofo.

Beer + hot sauce = goot!

Lacey earned the new nickname Hazey Jones for several responses of, "What? Why? Who?"

A bet was made on the breed of a dog sitting on the other side of the pub. Gavin deemed it to be a purebred and I called bullshit. $200 bet and Gavin was walking over to the owners. The dog stood up as he approached and I was praying for the dog to attack.

Gavin returned to the table and asked, "What's the defination of a mutt?"

"That dog over there." I responed. The dog was mix between a collie, a timber wolf, and a grey wolf. Who the hell put all those dogs together in the same pen? That's like a killer Lassie.

So wiki'ed the word mutt for further clarification and interestingly enough we stumbled upon the word "Mutta" which is swedish slang for vagina. And its on!

Poor Hazey... if she only knew what she was in for. Hazey, how's your mutta? How do you groom your mutta? Hazey, who's your mutta? Its a joke that didn't stop being funny for the entire trip. It got us in some trouble more than once and we pretty much asked every woman the question, "How's your mutta?" Juvenile at best but still damn funny.

Pic stolen from devopoker.com. Notice I'm wearing the same clothes.

On our way back to Vancouver Devo went into full hippy mode. Talking about how beautiful everything was. How it was so amazing that we saw a bobcat (ok bobcats are cool) and deer in the last few minutes. How he wanted to hike through the mountains. How I wanted to shoot him if he said one more thing was beautiful. Bah! Get me back to civilization and concrete. I need the internet. Connectivitly is a beautiful thing. There's trees all over the place. Hippy.

OK. Its kinda neat to look at. Gavin, Bobo and Kenna view the view. I'm considering pushing one of them over the edge.

Tomorrow is the $1k bounty tournament. My goal is to last past the 3rd level.

JDN

Canada Part 1

Canada used to be a place I would go to with $100 in my pocket and magically, when I crossed the border, I had $150. Not any more. When I was in Niagara Falls in Nov. the Canadian dollar was actually worth more than the US dollar. So poor.

Today the US dollar is worth $1.01 in Canadian. That’s not even including the vig that the casino charges you to exchange money. So we’re getting 96 cents Canadian for and a US dollar. I feel fleeced. I need a drink. As soon as I check into my room at the River Rock casino I call Gavin to see whats up.

I meet ole’ GSmith, Bobo, Lacey Jones, Brian Devonshire, Ryan, and the random Aussies that decided it was a good idea to drive from Vegas to Vancouver. There’s a reason we have planes people! So we don’t have to drive!

We hang around the casino that night and have a few drinks. A couple of drinks. Well… a lot of drinks. I make it to my room safe and sound and not forgetting to set my alarm before I drift off to neverland.

$500 No Limit Tournament

I'm not going to lie. I'm hung over. Little did I know that this was going to be a theme throughout this trip…

Table Draw!

Seat 1: Canadian
Seat 2: Asian Canadian
Seat 3: Canadian
Seat 4: Canadian
Seat 5: JDN
Seat 6: Asian Canadian
Seat 7: Canadian
Seat 8: Canadian
Seat 9: Asian Canadian
Seat 10: Canadian
Seat 11: Asian canadian

Yes were 11 handed. Aiyeah. I haven’t played 11 handed since my Hollywood Park days.

After 4 hands seat 1 asks the floor when is the break.

There must be some kind of outbreak here. Everyone is sniffling and coughing and hacking up green stuff. My table has turned into a disgusting version of Stomp.

The concept of preflop betting does not exist in Canada. Most players are betting 6 to 10 times the big blind preflop. This is great. Now if I could just stop calling the turn reraise I will be golden.

Seat 1 looks like a skinny sir Anthony Hopkins. He’s had aces twice and gotten all in preflop twice to bust two peeps. Blinds are 25/50.

A guy got moved our table and I swear he has the flying spaghetti monster tattoo on his arm. Or it’s an eagle next to the moon but the flying spaghetti monster would be much cooler.

Seat 1 busted another player. That's at least 3 for him and he's got 20k in chips already. My 2500 looks strong. Riiiight.

A few orbits later and I get my 77 in on a board of Q Q 4, thinking that it might be good but I’m drawing dead on the turn.

Well, at least now I can go back to sleep. Of course that doesn’t last long because my life partner, gavin, is soon to bust after me.

We gather the troops and head into downtown Vancouver for some food and fun. Have a few drinks. Meet some friends that live in DC. Have a few more drinks. We search for an open bar. Find an Irish pub that’s open late. Someone is making me drink Jager Bombs. Sebok’s not here so I’m not sure who’s giving them to me.

The last thing I remember was looking the up through the bottom of a beer mug with a shot glass in it.

Don't remember this being taken.

Don't remember how I did this.

I remember getting back to the casino to watch Devo win the $500 tournament. I also remember calling him a vagina for making a deal when it was 4 or 5 handed. The tournament staff was great though. They broke out the first aid kit to bandage my hand.

Before bed time I felt like playing some blackjack but the security at the casino wouldn't let me onto the casino floor cause I was too drunk. As I tried to walk in I was grabbed by the collar and the security guard told Gavin and Bobo that I couldn't go in there. He was just holding me by the collar and not even talking to me. All I heard him saying was, "I'm a guard. A guard... guard."

Like Gav was my handler. We walked away defeated but I felt like I won and I told the guard, "Thank you for not letting me in and letting lose my money!"

JDN