Random Golf Tournament for... Medical Students?

Disclaimer: I know this isn't golfwtf.com (I gotta see if that's available) but I've been playing more golf than poker lately and this is a tournament, and I'm playing with some degen poker players, so it seems like a perfect fit for pokerwtf.

So Jeff Madsen texts me the other night and asks if I want to play a golf tournament. Having just played two days in a row, I was a little hesitant to say yes, until I found out that Gavin, Bobo, and Layne were playing too.

Ok I'm in and we got action!

I show up at the Eagle Crest Golf Club at 1:30 and I can't find anyone. I text Gavin and he says he's on his way. Off to the driving range.

I find Madsen and he tries to steal my bucket of range balls. You gotta watch this kid.

We head back up to the carts to get started, but Gavin and Bobo are no where to be seen. The professor that organized this thing is asking us where Gav is and I tell him he's on his way.

Team New Hotness

2:15pm
Still no Gsmith. Madsen and I find the refreshment cart and promptly remove all their Heinekens for $4 each. And! They give us a cooler.

Team Old and Busted

2:20pm
We meet our other twosome that will be playing with us. They're med students and I forget their names as soon as the first Heineken is cracked open.

2:25pm
Gavin, Bobo, and Ryan (Gavin's Manservant is taking Layne's place because he's in jail again. Just kidding, he's playing the SCOOP) make their entrance and even from 50 yards away, I can tell that Gavin is drunk. His hair is doing that bozo thing where it is just sticking straight out. Kinda like Curly from the 3 Stooges.

Turns out he was playing trivia all night at the Porchlight and when Madsen called him at 12:15pm he was still there. Stay classy G!

Bets get placed and we're ready to go. I bet Jeff $100 a side and $5 a putt. I give him 6 shots over the whole course and 2 putts. We also get two mulligans apiece.

Jeff gets a bet down with Gavin for $2K. Team vs team and Gavin's giving us 10 shots. We could be good here.

2:30pm
We finally head off to hole #14 for our shotgun start.

Madsen drops his beer while driving. I almost have to jump out of the moving cart to avoid getting wet.

Hole #14 par 3
We lose our partners, they decided to drive across the 13th green for some reason. So we tee off. Madsen grounds his to the right and I put mine in the shit on the left. Great start.

The med students finally show up to tee off and I realize that they only have 1 golf bag. The guy wearing the Affliction shirt holds a driver up and asks me if he should use this club. Oh boy.

Turns out neither of these guys have ever played before. Aiyeah.

Jeff and I bet on who will get the better score. I take Affliction guy and Jeff takes the guy with the shorts. $100 on this one.

The first hole takes us 25 minutes to complete. This is gonna be a long day.

Madsen: 6 shots 2 putts
JDN: 5 shots 2 putts

Hole #15 Par 3
The yardage sign reads 147 from the white tees. I take an 8 iron and hit a beautiful shot straight at the pin. Looks a little long. It bounces on the back of the green and into some bushes across the cart path.

That sign is a liar!

Madsen: 6
JDN: 5

Hole #16 par 3

Madsen: 3 shots 2 putts
JDN: 4 shots 2 putts

Hole #17 par 3
This is a closer to the hole... hole. I put it in the sand behind the hole and take 3 shots to get out. I hate the sand.

Madsen: 6 shots 3 putts
JDN: 6 shots 3 putts

Hole #18 par 4
Our first driver hole! I put mine about 250 yards out, but to the right and I lose the ball. Pretty sure one of those poor med students on the hole next to us picked it up.

On the green, Affliction guy tells me that he wants to be a ER doctor. Sweet, there's hot chicks in the ER. I watch House. Then he tells me about sticking his finger in other dudes' asses. I'll pass.

Madsen shows us his "ball behind the club" technique.

Madsen drives the cart up next to the green and the marshall yells at him. I tell the marshall that he's going to be doing a lot of that today.

Madsen: 7 shots 2 putts
JDN: 5 shots and 2 putts

Hole #1 par 4
At 306 yards, I almost drive to the green, but end up in the sand on the right. I have problems getting out. It would probably help if I had a sand wedge and not a lob wedge for these.

Madsen: 7 shots 2 putts
JDN: 6 shots 2 putts

Hole #2 par 3
We're almost out of beer. Everyone has to pee.

Madsen: 5 shots 3 putts
JDN: 5 shots 2 putts

Hole #3 par 3
The refreshment cart arrives! Yes!

Madsen: 4 shots 1 putt
JDN: 4 shots 2 putts

Hole #4 par 3
After peeing everyone is invigorated and ready for more. I put my tee shot 6 feet from the pin and I still 2 putt it. Blargh! At least I made par.

Madsen: 5 shots 3 putts
JDN: 3 shots 2 putts

Hole #5 par 4
I lose my tee shot in the water and Madsen doesn't. He puts his over the water and has to hit from the beach on the other side of the lake. Pretty sure he cheated on this hole.

Madsen: 5 shots 2 putts
JDN: 6 shots 3 putts

Hole #6 par 3
I hit my tee shot fat and only make it half way to the green. I hit my second shot fat and lay up in front of the green. I quit.

Madsen: 5 shots 2 putts
JDN: 6 shots 3 putts

Hole #7 par 3
I get the tee shot within 10 feet of the pin before 2 putting it. So rigged against birdies.

Madsen: 6 shots 2 putts
JDN: 3 shots 2 putts

Pee Break!

We block off the tunnel and whizzle.

Madsen killing ants

Hole #8 par 3
Nothing interesting happened on this hole.

Madsen: 6 shots 3 putts
JDN: 5 shots 2 putts

Hole #9 par 4
Play has slowed. When we reach the tee box, there are 2 other teams in front of us. We decide to draft players on the foursome behind us, Gavin, Bobo, Ryan, and the Professor, and bet on closest to the hole for $50 a shot. We both win one and lose one for a push.

Madsen decides to run up a drainage pipe until he walks into some spider webs and runs out screaming, "Ahhh spiders!" like a little girl.



Madsen: 7 shots 3 putts
JDN: 6 shots 3 putts

Hole #10 par 4
Both Madsen and I have decent drives on this hole. When I reach my ball I realize that it's about 5 yards short of the longest drive. Damn, if I would have known that, I would have taken a mulligan to try and out-drive it. I need that $25 gift certificate to Sammy's.

On the green we decide to implement a new rule. You have to bring your beer with you to the green. We're gonna need more beer.

Madsen: 6 shots 2 putts
JDN: 5 shots 1 putt

Hole #11 par 3
After our tee shots, some college girls show up with booze. Sweet. They apparently have been driving around this whole time giving out free drinks. Oh what the hell? We're almost done and we're just finding out about this? I ask for a beer and all they have is Coors Light or MGD. Good grief. Gimme the silver bullet.

Madsen: 5 shots 3 putts
JDN: 5 shots 3 putts

Hole #12 par 3
Again we're waiting for the team ahead of us so we bet on Gavin and company's tee shots. I scoop and I'm up $200. Yeah boy!

Madsen: 6 shots 1 putt
JDN: 6 shots 2 putts

Hole #13 par 4
I have to use my last mulligan on this one because Madsen hit a nice drive about 280 yards out. On my second tee shot I crush it right up the middle and Madsen tries to tell me his is longer. Bet! I'm about 20 yards from the hole and out drive him by 80 yards. Sucka!

Madsen: 6 shots 2 putts
JDN: 4 shots 2 putts

As a team we end up shooting a 90. Pretty good. Gavin and Bobo need to shoot a 79 or better to win. I think Madsen is money here. I shoot a 96 with 41 putts. Jeff got a 107 with 49 putts. I beat him for $500 something. I need to play with him more often.

Gavin and Bobo shoot a 71. Oops. They beat us by 19 strokes. We are so bad.

We join Gavin and Bobo near the putting green and we all get our gamble on. We throw golf balls closest to a designated pin. Jeff and Gavin are betting in the thousands and Bobo and I are betting $5 a throw.

Madsen shagging balls.

Gavin just got pwned

Good times.

JDN

WSOP Event #6 $1500 Omaha Hi Lo

Hopefully Maureen Feduniak isnt at my table. We've been at the same table in the last two omaha tournaments that I played and we always end up pwning one another. And its never a good thing to get pwned or pwned Maureen.

Table Draw:

Seat 1: Random White Guy
Seat 2: Chris Reslock (Everytime that I see Chris I'm reminded of a running joke that LA Mike had last year about Mr Reslock having anal sex with Amanda Leatherman. Ha ha ha. Anal sex.)
Seat 3: Random White Guy that I recgonize but don't his name.
Seat 4: Random White Guy that has already slow rolled the table in the first orbit.
Seat 5: JDN
Seat 6: Random Older White Guy
Seat 7: Random Older White Guy
Seat 8: Random Older White Guy
Seat 9: Random Younger White Guy

I see a theme going on here. We must be at the Elk's Lodge or something.

Fuck. Omaha is boring. But I do get to check on Brian Devonshire's facial hair. He's thinks I've shaved but I'm just patchy. Our beard last longer has expanded. The field now includes me, Devo, Gavin, Bobo, Scott Fischman, Rick Fuller, and Brad the bartender. We cannot shave from May 25th to Sept 1st. He who shaves first owes everyone $500. If you bust 2nd to last, you still owe everyone left $500. So I only need to last till 4th to break even but I don't think anyone is giving in.

4500 at break, down from a high of 5200. I kept playing junk like 2238 and 233J. I should really stop that.

I'm pretty sure that Seat 7 and Seat 9 have no idea how to play. I'm seeing random raises with 479K and A69Q. Too bad they keep winning with those.

I end up with one $500 chip at dinner break. I couldn't win a hand for levels 3 and 4. I grab a Heineken during our short ass 30 min dinner break and watch whatever final table is happening.

After dinner I have 6 hands before the big blind. I fold them all. On the big blind I fold. On the small blind I fold. 200 in chips left. I fold around again to under the gun where I call all in blind. I actually win the high on this hand but since its a chop, I only get 50 more chips. Bah! All in again in the big blind and I whiff. Nighty night. Or so I think.

I decided to stick around and sweat my homies in the $5k mix event. They're at 3 tables so this is going to be a while. I play a little blackjack, gotta keep my rating up, before come back down to the amazon room. Fuck thats a long walk. I know everyone keeps complaining about it, its fucking ridiculous. I'll been doing it for 4 years now and I'm over it.

Back down in the poker room I decided to play some cash games. After they send me to a table with no one there I finally settle into a 2-5 game. Everyone has about 500 in front of them so I try to buy in for 2k. 500 max. Fuck that. I just keep topping off my stack after every hand, because, well I'm call 100 pre flop with 2 6. Sometimes it wins.

I'm bascically calling everyhting and shoving when someone checks to me. My Heinken Factor* is in the neigborhood of a 7 so I'm up 1k. Down 750. Down 2k. Down 1k. Typical.

There's a 5 way all in hand on a flop of Jh 7h Ad. I actually have a hand with As 8d and I'm pretty sure I gotta catch a 9 and T to win the hand... so I call. So do two people behind me. Of course I'm in last place when there's a set of Jacks, a set of 7s, and two flush draws. The turn is a black 9, I got outs! River is a blank. So poor.

Later in the night, after I've poured a drink into my lap I get into a hand with this big Italian guy in seat 7. Stereotypical guido with track suit, a flat top and ginormas muscles. He raises and I call with Q6. The flop J T 9. He bets small and I shove for 700. He calls. The turn is a Q and the river is a blank. I open up my Q6 and I takes him a while to figure out that he's won the hand with 88. I ship him the 500 or so that he has. Heineken! Cocktails!

After the guido has finished stacking his chips he gets up and taps me on the shoulder.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" He asks.

"Um, sure." I say as I follow him away from the table. My mind is racing as fast a Heineken Factor of 8 will allow me too. I'm look for an escape route. He's huge! 6 foot 4 and 260 with muscles! I might have to employ the eye gouge crotch punch that Chris... Bell told me about when fighting people bigger than you. I got money on the table too! Security!!!!

He stops and turns around to face me. I look for his eyes but there's 4 of them. Fuck.

"I'll give you ten thousand to play the 5/10 and you get to keep 50% of the profits." He tells me.

I stare at him for a moment. The 4 eyes get focused down into 2 eyes. Did he just really offer me a backing deal?

I reply with a stunned, "Do you know how drunk I am?"

"Yeah but I can tell you're a good player."

JDN


* The Heineken Factor: This scale is based on the number of Heinekens consumed, multiplied by 2.5 divided by the number of brain cells left. Really. No not really. Basically it's math/poker comprehension scale based on the total number of Heineken's orally consumed. 1 point of the scale roughly translates to 2.5 bottles of Heineken.