$225 PLO8 at the Golden Nugget

First of all I would to point out that the Lakers won game 7 of the NBA finals last night I may or may not have drank a few too many Heinekens during said game.

Be forewarned!

Table 16 seat 9.
Holy shit this table is small. Apparently we're on a stud table. Who's genius idea was to have a PLO game on a stud table?

12,000 in chips (I think, can't be bothered to count) and 40 minute levels (i think, I can't be bothered to turn around and look at the clock.)

Table draw:
Seat 1: RWG
Seat 2: empty
Seat 3: Random Euro... Oops, he's busto.
Seat 4: RWG
Seat 5: RAG who got all of the Euro's chips
Seat 6: RWG with a grizzly Adams beard who thinks we play all the time together at the Bike.
Sear 7: RWG who's falling asleep at the table.
Seat 8: RWG aka the Hillbilly. Y'all.
Seat 9: JD fuckin N. Respect bitches.

I decide to play more aggressive poker today. I wonder how horribly this will fail.

I guess we started with 10k in chips. I finally turned around and looked at the clock.

Hey that means I have more than starting stack! Sahweet!

Grizzly Adams beard guy is officially the worst PLO8 player ever. He's followed closely by the Hillbilly. They just played a 10k pot that was won by a pair of kings.

The fatest dealer in the nugget is now at our mini table. Thank gawd this is the first table to break.

Grizzly Adams has a lisp and it's fuckin' hilarious.

Brainfart! I'm out.

I played a hand so badly that I'm embarrassed to recount it here.

So I run over to Binions to play the $500 HORSE.

Table 21 seat 7

It smells like French toast in here.

20K in chips, aiyeah! That's a lot of nuts. 20 mins per game. Lame. That means we'll be playing 3 times as many hand of hold'em compared to any other game. Laaaaaame.

Table draw:

Seat 1: Frumpy looking white guy. FLWG?
Seat 2: Ginger Canadian who won the $1500 HORSE last year at the WSOP
Seat 3: RYPG who I've played with before.
Seat 4: RWG. Kinda frumpy but it's a HORSE tournament at Binions. What else should have I expected?
Seat 5: ROWG
Seat 6: Random Old Black Guy with a frumpy white mustache.
Seat 7: JD Brianfart N
Seat 8: Random White Lady with hairy forearms.

I put on a stud 8 clinic to go on a 8k upswing and go into the break with 26K.

Table break!

I get moved to table 19 seat 4. Frumpy white mustache guy is here and I'm sitting between two women. Indeed!

Our 1st hand of Omaha takes almost 6 minutes to complete. The dealer sucks as I had to tell him to stack the chips up for a split pot game and he waited till the river to do it.

And he shuffles slow. Bah!

Man this a redonkalous structure. We're already at 500/1000. Average is 22k. 22 big blinds per person and only 5 hours into the tourney.

I sound like Allen Kessler.

Finally get a playable razz hand but it's the first hand of stud. Getting blinded down fast. Lame!

On the last hand before break in stud 8 I get heads up with one of the table idiots. With 4 clubs showing I bet 3000 on 6th street. Seat 6 calls.

On 7th street I bet blind and make sure he sees it. Numbnuts tanks for all of 1 minute and calls with two pair 9s and 7s. Moron. I hope I hit that flush.

I look at my last card it's a 3. They that's trip 3s. Ship it!

I play goot!

30K on break.

I go on but of a heater in hold'ed and get up to 42k before I get cold decked by seat 9 in hands to go back down to 30k.


Holy jeebus! We've already lost half the field.

Well I played that omaha hand poorly. 9 high flush and seat 9 called me down with aces full. 19k.

Just saw a guy get all in during razz with 10 9 10 showing vs A A 2, and he was actually ahead but ended up losing.

I guess I just save all my big hands for the last of the level. I get a guy all in with A 2 3 6 Q vs seat 4's A 2 3 4 T. Shit. I thought I was way ahead. Thank gawd for the 5 on 7th that gave me the pot.


Then I manage to lose 9k on the first hand of stud I play vs what could be Allen Kessler's older brother.

Then I have buried aces with a ten showing and the Frumpy guy from the 1st table calls with Q showing.

4th street is another ace. Bet. Call.

On 5th I hit an 8. Bet. Call.

6th brings another 8. He now has a pair of 3s on the board so I have to figure him for queens up. I check. He bets.

I raise him to 12,000, yeah blinds are big, and I only have 300 left.

He calls the 300 on 7th and the pot is shipped to me! 52K.

Yeah boy! I'm above average with 33 peeps left.

42K going into dinner break.

Think I ate a gut bomb at dinner. Might puke. I probably deserve it for eating at a fast food Indian place on Fremont Street.

First hand I play in hold'em I got 2 red queens. Big blind calls the raise.

The flop is As Ks 8s. Check. I bet. Call.

The turn is the Kc. Check check.

Guy checks in the dark.

River is the Qc. Ding!

Bet. Call. I show my hand. He shakes his head in disbelief. Well, that's what happens when you let me get free cards. Haha!

We consolidate down to 3 tables.

I got 60K and average is 66,666.

The last hand of hold'em, again, and Allen Kessler's older brother raise from the button. The small blind moves all in for 11K.

I call with Ac8c.

The Chainsaw's bro says "complete" and gets the bet up to 14K.

I call. The flop is Jc Tc Js.

Bet. Call.

The turn is 5s. Bet. Call.

The river is 3s. The guy that was all in walks away. I bet. The bro disgustingly throws his hand away.

I show my A8 to collect the pot and he yells, "that beats me!"

Lol. 95K.

Down to 16 peeps. I got 126K.

And after 2 hands of razz I'm out. With levels at 5,000/10,000 I get fucked with a wheel draw on 4th street in the 1st hand. In the 2nd hand, I think I river a wheel but I forgot that I need a 3 and now I have bull shit.

So... fucking... frustrated...



$560 PLO8 at the Venetian

Had a late night dinner last night for a friend's birthday at Rare 120 at the Hard Rock and it's not sitting too well with me. First of all it gave me weird dreams.

I was invited to church with Gavin Smith. And I went. I know. Weird. My high school friend's Norwegian wife was there also.

After trying to find a parking place and introductions to the blue haired ladies of the congregation, we all stood up, held hands and walked over to the bountiful buffet. I reminded myself not to drink the cool aid.

Then I woke up with a stomach ache and a dreadful feeling that I had missed my tee time. The thing was, there was no golf scheduled on this day.

I was tripping balls. I blame the lobster quesadilla appetizer from last night. It got me fuuuucked up. (I've never said that about a food before)

After clearing away the cobwebs I head down to The Venetian for today PLO8 tournament. In the car I manage to spill orange juice AND cream cheese all over my shirt.

This is gonna be a trainwreck of a day.

15,000 in chips to start, 40 minute levels, and a decent structure. Sweet.

Table 65 seat 4

Table draw:

Seat 1: Random Fat White Guy. Big one. Same shape as Humpty Dumpty.
Seat 2: RYWG
Seat 3: Random Persian Guy
Seat 4: JDN
Seat 5: RWG with bad breath. Why are they always sitting next to me?
Seat 6: Random White Lady with bleached blond hair and bruises on her flabby overly tanned upper arms.
Seat 7: Random Asian Guy. Low SAG possibilities.
Seat 8: Jason Stern. I swear this guy is stalking me.
Seat 9: RWG

I swear I always have to sit next to some douche bag with dragon breath that doesn't know how to brush his teeth or how to eat a Tic Tac. He's horrible at this game too so hopefully I will bust his Breath Savor needing ass.

I'm slightly torturing Humpty Dumpty. Not playing big pits but just keeping him off balance so he keeps giving me chippies.

20K at break.

I have bottom set hold up against seat 2's top two nut low and nut flush draw to get up to 25K. That hand never holds up! Woot.

190 runners for today's tourney. That's pretty amazing for a new game that blossoming on the tourney circuit.

24K for 1st. I have goal.

Humpty Dumpty had a fire lit under his ass in the 200/400 level and raised every hand until the RPG busted him after they both flopped broadway and it came runner runner diamonds. Can't put it back together after that BS.

It's limped to me in the big blind and check with the monster hand of 9997. To make my hand worse the Th was exposed before the flop.

Since I brought this hand up, you have to assume the last 9 flopped. I did. 9 3 2 board. And I had top set. So I pot it to 1200 and the kid in seat 2 repots to 5k or so. He's only got 3K behind so I put him all in guessing at best he's got an under set or a wrap.

He shows 3457. Got some outs to dodge.

Turn 3. Sweet.

River King. Scooooop!


Table break and I move to table 64 seat 6. The next table to break. Bah!

Table 64 is a fairly tight table. Every other preflop pot is winning the blinds.

I bet it up to 1700 with AAQ8. The big blind, a RYWG in seat 2, calls.

Flop is Q 4 6. He checks. I bet 2700 he calls.

Turn is a J. He checks. I check thinking he's gonna hang himself if a face card falls.

River is a 9. Gotcha bitch. He bets 7000 and I quickly call. He shows A239. Ship it.

Table breaks.

Table 76 Seat 3.

Big pot on the last hand before break. I raise to 2100 with As3sKcJc and get called in two spots before the big blind, seat 9, repots it to 11,100.

I read seat 9 for mild retardation, so I put him on a bad A2 hand.

I call, so does the Euro in seat 6. The small blind is short and is getting the right price, but he folds. Later he said he had aces.

The flop falls 4 J 6 two diamonds. Seat 9 jams it in for about 7k. I repot to isolate and the Euro folds.

Mr 9 shows A28K two diamonds. Oops. I don't like my hand so much now. I'm ahead. Barely.

Turn 6. Lame.

River King no diamond. Aiyeah. Chop it.

49,400 at break.

Get moved to a new table with about 60K.

There's two old dudes here just shipping it with naked low draws and they're both sitting on 100K stacks.

I try to catch them and end up giving away half my stack before missing a low draw and busting.

Very disappointed. Gonna go beat my dog.



Binion's PLO8 $200

I show up at Binion's at 12:03pm and there's no one in the poker room...

Fuck cock shit!

It doesn't start till 2pm. Damn it.

Guess I'll wander around Fremont St for 2 hours.

Once on Fremont St it takes of 3 minutes for someone to offer me some "really dank ganja.".

No thanks. I'll go to the "dank" El Cortez and play pai gow. Truthfully I had no idea how I got there but $5 pai gow seemed like the right thing to do with 2 hours to kill downtown.

1:45pm, I walk out of the El Cortez down $3.75. Only in pai gow is that possible.

Table 14 seat 9

15,000 in chips (cool) and 30 minute levels (that's a little quick).

Table draw:
Seat 1: Robert Goldfarb
Seat 2: RWG
Seat 3: RYWG, looks like an Internet Nerd
Seat 4: ROWG
Seat 5: Jason Stern
Seat 6: Random Latino Guy
Seat 7: Random Black Guy
Seat 8: RWG
Seat 9: JDN. I hate seat 9. Bah!

I manage to have the 2nd best hand every time I see the river and I'm down to 10k at the end of the second level.

Gonna have to play tighter now.

And I'm out. Flopped top set of kings vs old guy with a naked low draw and he hits runner runner straight and didn't even know it. Old guys are awesome.


Golden Nugget $225 PLO8

I felt like shit today so I didn't write anything about the tournament.

I basically played the short stack all day and busted with about 15 to the money.

So I'll leave you with a picture of the Jewish Brett Michaels.



Back at it. Kinda.

I pretty much gave up poker for the last 4 months to play video games and gain several pounds around my mid section. I considered not playing ever again but then I sobered up and figured I should give it another go round.

The only problem... I'm broke. Bankroll is nonexistent and I can't really pin point the exact reason for my financial failures but I sure it has to do with the fact I don't have the ability to balance a check book. Never mind that I don't have a job and no prospects of any sorts. So any of the WSOP tournies are out of the question so this summer. Looks like I'll playing at the Nugget this year.

There's several PLO8 tournaments spread between the various casino this summer and my goal to play as many of those as I can. I can probably find someone to buy my action in the WSOP $1500 and $5000 PLO8 events but I won't worry about those quite yet.

I'll also probably play some cash games, and a few Venetian tournaments along the way.

Soooo... Prepare for a summer full of fail!

In other news:

I was on Jon Friedberg's Under the Gun show that hosted by Card Player. Gavin Smith is also a guest and we talk about how bad our softball team is and some other shit that I have really right discussing in public.

Check out Under the Gun: Softball and Sponsorship Deals

And just a couple of days ago, I was on again, this time with Jeff Madsen and Joe Tehan as we played the Savage Invitational Golf Tournament in Temecula. (godamnit I look fat)

15th Annual Savage Golf Tournament

I shot like a cripple over the 3 days so I won't go through the pain of listening to me bitch about missing a put, drive, and or chip. I shot on average, 110 over the 3 days. So I'll just do a photo easy with some funny captions.

Day 1: Cross Creek Golf Course

1 good golfer and 3 morans.. Tehan is the good one btw.

Friedberg decides to pee next to the restrooms.

My closest to the pin for the bad players. Also got a skin this day but I don't know what hole.

After finishing the first day, I decided to celebrate with some poison oak in the eye.

Day 2: Red Hawk Golf Course

Day 2 sucked ass so this is only picture of the day. I wore pink. Nuff said.

Day 3: Journey at Pechanga

Lots of gambling going on today. Probably the funnest round of golf I've played.

Teh Ghey

Another closest to the pin for the bad players. Got half a skin here too

The 6th hole. Amazing.

Madsen looking for his ball on the 6th hole.

Friedberg showing off for Tehan's gf Lisa

Madsen's water shot. Took two tries.

My biggest golf win evar! $640.

And finally... Pechanga, WTF?



$500 Pot Limit Omaha Hi/Lo LAPC

Possibly my last stab at a Commerce tourney this year, one can only torture one's self so much.

Table 32 seat 3

4000 in chips
40 minute levels
Mah favorite game!

Table draw:
Seat 1: Random Middle Aged Lady who looks like Sabyl Cohen's mini me
Seat 2: RWG
Seat 3: JDN
Seat 4: RWG
Seat 5: Random Mexican Guy in a wheelchair. He sucks at PLO8 btw. He's always showing his big folds when he probably shouldn't have seen a flop in the first place.
Seat 6: RAG with zero SAG factor.
Seat 7: RPG that plays every hand. I'm gonna get all his chips.
Seat 8: RWG
Seat 9: RYWG

Sabyl's mini me busts out when she mis-reads her hand thinking she had the nut flush draw when in actuallity she had the ole' 6 high flush draw. Oops. An bald RPG takes her seat.

The old RPG in seat 7 bluffs me off a hand with the board reading 3 4 J 9 3. I have A3KQ. He fires a pot size bet on the river, about 2500, half my stack. I can only put him on 34.

I fold showing my 3. He shows A256. Argh! I'm going to get you, you fuckwit.

AhKh7c7s vs RPG's A289 board Jh Tc 6h Qs x. Triple up to 9k

Level two is the same as level 1. Blinds at 25/25. Cool beans.

9000 at break.

2348 vs RAG's AAAT vs RPG's QcJcTs9c. Board 4c 8c Kd 6h 8s. Scoop huge 21K pot.

Annnd that's the last thing I wrote. I end up going to the final table as chip leader with 145K.


I'm 45 minutes late to the final table because of this:

Yeah, that's the 10 freeway in LA. But it don't matter, I win the thing beating Chris Bjorn heads up in 5 hands. He had a 2 to 1 chip lead on the first hand. Ship it!

About fucking time! I quit.




I can't believe I'm back here for more torture. I've never run this bad over so many tournaments. I might as well drink a bottle of bleach.

So I start out the day with a burrito from Poquito Mas, walk over to Hot Rod afterwards and buy a pair of Chukas, because new shoes are always lucky, and I make it from West LA to the Commerce in 20 minutes.

Those are all pretty good signs.

4000 in chips
40 minute levels
High card for the button
High card for the game... Stud 8
Autobots rollout!!!

Table 25 seat 1 (That sucks)

Seat 1: JDN (LAME!!!)
Seat 2: RPG
Seat 3: Young tight kid from the other Omaha tourney. He must not be stoned today cause he's talking to the table.
Seat 4: ROPG
Seat 5: RWG
Seat 6: ROWG that has a huge red nose that looks like a used cock.
Seat 7: RAndom Mexican Guy
Seat 8: ROWG

See these are the type of tables I'm used to. Lots of crotchey old dudes.

We start in stud 8 and early on I hit broadway on 7th street with Kings showing against two low draws. Or so I think.

I raise seat 8 and seat 6 folds his busted low draw. Seat 8 reraises me with 3s showing. I guess he's got a low straight. Prob gonna chop anyway so I just call.

He's got rolled down 6s for 6s full of 3s... It fucking never ends.

I win I nice sized pot in Omaha to get back to starting stack. I'm pretty amazed that the board didn't pair to kill mah flush.

Sweet! I get to be the bring in for 6 out of 8 hands in stud.

The dealer just tried to shuffle the cards and lost her handle of the deck, thus showering me in cards. Awesome.

I finally win a big hand when I fill up on 7th street agaist Cocknose's aces up.

4600 at break. I'm above starting stack! It pays to play like a crotchey old man.

Get off my lawn!!!

We have a r'tarded dealer who's never chopped a pot or dealt Omaha. Seat 8 is chopping pots for her.

I try to bluff the Latin guy on a Q J J 4 8 board in Omaha. I raised him on the turn representing a J and he called me down with top pair. It's good.

The very next hand I flop quad jacks, get reraises on the turn and the guy in seat 2 folds to my capped bet. Bah!

Cocknose has been all in predflop twice with 175 and 125 left in chips respectively. I also had him all in in razz with my A 2 3 4 draw vs his 8 7 5 draw. He won.

He did the same thing to the kid on seat 3. I'm changing his name to Cocknose the Cockroach.

The Mexican and Cocknose the cockroach should probably start a club. They're both morons who just seem to win through ignorance.

Cocknose the Cochroach finally busts.

Starting stack at 2nd break.

First hand back from break I have the big blind. I have TTT8 and win the hand with a straight. Sweet.

I didn't write anything after that so I have to assume I busted in some horrible fashion.


(insert funny pic here)


$500 OE (Omaha hi lo & stud 8) LAPC

I buy in a little late, bad late night burrito, so I get see who will be at my table in line.

4000 in chips
40 minute levels
Prepare for failure

Table 14 seat 5

Table draw:

Seat 1:
Miami John Cernuto
Seat 2: Steve Wong
Seat 3: RWG with a Mariners hat on. I've played with him a few different times.
Seat 4: Random Black Lady
Seat 5: JDN
Seat 6: RPG
Seat 7: RWG that I've played with before. He kinda looks like Steve Young.
Seat 8: RPG

Miami gets picked up and that creepy ginger Dan Hiemiller takes his spot.

In spectacular fashion I make an 8 high flush and a 7 low in stud 8 and get scooped by Seat 8's full house and Steve Wong's 6 low.


But wait it continues...

Typical shit. When I call with the bad low I lose. When I fold the bad low I would have gotten half. Stud 8 is killing me.

Omaha... Not so bad. It's keeping me alive even though I'm down to half a starting stack.

I finally win a big hand in Omaha, but I had to call a cap bet preflop with 2c 3s Tc Qh. I turned the straight and got paid off in 2 spots.

3825 at break.

I have declared that there will be no time traveling at this table.

I miss two huge scoop draws in omaha to get back down to 2100.

At least I'm not the first one out of the tourney. 3 down so far out of 131.

Peter, the cat that looks like Steve Young, hit a diamond royal and I called him down with the low. Too bad it was 3 handed and I had the 2nd best low.

Somehow I get down to 1000, well I know how, in Stud 8. So me being me I have the 2c showing. In stud the low up card brings in. Kinda of like a blind. So I bring...

Oh fuck it. I got all in 3 handed with a huge chance to scoop but I chopped it with the chick next to me and I doubled up kinda.

3000 at break. I suck.

I bust Steve Wong when I hit a 2 outter on 7th and promptly dump those newly won chips to Steve Young Jr when I again miss my straight and low.

Table break.

Table 3 seat 1

I got 2500 and we have Steve Young Jr, Frankie O'Dell, Ozzie, and Bigfoot at the table.

Oh sweet! 1250 now!

Outsky. Tried to squeeze out low against two high hands and I was given two pair for my troubles against Steve Young's full house.


$335 Stud 8 LAPC


$335 Obamaha Hi/Lo LAPC

Recovered from my barfy Saturday and my car breakdown Sunday I wait till Tuesday to get back in action. And that action is Omaha Hi / Lo aka Old Man's Torture.

It takes me 1:15 to get to the Commerce in the rain so I buy in right at the start time of 4:00pm. I get to my table and there's no dealer and no chips. And all the peeps who were around me in line, are at my table. WTF? Is this the WSOP?

Table 54 seat 7...
3000 in chips ...
40 minute levels ...
It's go time!!


"I think I have a low."

"there is no low."

Table draw:

Seat 1: Random Peruvian Guy (that's a new one). I can tell cause he's got one of this funny English hats on and all he's missing is a pan flute.
Seat 2: Pau Gasol. Not the real Pau Gasol, who's on TV right now, but he looks just like him minus a foot.
Seat 3: an oldtimer named Ozzie that I used to play with at Hollywood Park years ago.
Seat 4: RWG
Seat 5: Random Persian Guy who might be the very worst Omaha player I've ever seen. He's in every pot and calls every single one down.
Seat 6: Random White Chick
Seat 7: JDN
Seat 8: Random Old White Guy. At least 70 and oddly enough the only RPWG at the table.
Seat 9: RYWG. Our own little Allen Kessler. So tight I don't know why he is even looking at the hands.

With blinds at 25/25 there's no reason to raise preflop so I just call or limp pre and see play the flops. It seems to be working for me so far as I've scooped several pots in the first two levels.

I drill Ozzie when I limp with AAxx and I fill up on turn. I slow played it, then after he filled up on the river we cap it, I scoop it, and the dealer ships it.

Yeah boy!

The guy in seat 5 is trying so hard to bust but he's chopping just enough pots to keep his head above water.

3300 at break. I had 4600 but I caught the ass end of a straight against Ozzie and I called it down like a donk.

First hand back from break I limp with 2456 rainbow, a awesome Badugi if there ever was, and I flop the wheel four handed. Checked around. I turn the 7 high straight, checked around. I finally the river and everyone folds. Blargh.

Table break!

At table 41 I know a couple peeps. Seat 4 is my golfing buddy Carol and in seat 6 is Linda Johnson.

I lose a big hand with AA68 vs KKJ7.

Mark Gergorich moves to seat 3. This table sucks.

But then it gets better. I flop a straight against Carol and she donates a bit.

I make a hero call with AAxx on a multi-way pot with the board reading J 8 6 Q Q and it's good.

I hit and open ended straight draw on the turn and scoop a nice pot from the Asian guy in seat 2.

Hey I think Suzie Issacs is in seat 1.

Hey I just busted Suzie Issacs with the nut flush.

Hey Suzie Issacs has giant knockers.

Holy shit! There's a guy hulking out at table 34! There's gonna be a fight! Looks like the floor man, not Matt Savage, wants to get involved.

It's diffused. Bah!

My friend Kung Fu calls me at 7:30 to ask if I want to go get some drinks. He knows that I started the tourney at 4. I tell him I'm still in and he says "really?"


Table break!

Table 31 seat 9.

The only one I recognize here is Chris "Hey I'm Really an Ewok" Bigler. He only lasts a few hands before busting.

I got around 8K. Which is double average.

And then I'm out. Couldn't win a hand once I got moved to the new table and I was in seat 9 which is the unlucky seat.