Back at it. Kinda.

I pretty much gave up poker for the last 4 months to play video games and gain several pounds around my mid section. I considered not playing ever again but then I sobered up and figured I should give it another go round.

The only problem... I'm broke. Bankroll is nonexistent and I can't really pin point the exact reason for my financial failures but I sure it has to do with the fact I don't have the ability to balance a check book. Never mind that I don't have a job and no prospects of any sorts. So any of the WSOP tournies are out of the question so this summer. Looks like I'll playing at the Nugget this year.

There's several PLO8 tournaments spread between the various casino this summer and my goal to play as many of those as I can. I can probably find someone to buy my action in the WSOP $1500 and $5000 PLO8 events but I won't worry about those quite yet.

I'll also probably play some cash games, and a few Venetian tournaments along the way.

Soooo... Prepare for a summer full of fail!

In other news:

I was on Jon Friedberg's Under the Gun show that hosted by Card Player. Gavin Smith is also a guest and we talk about how bad our softball team is and some other shit that I have really right discussing in public.

Check out Under the Gun: Softball and Sponsorship Deals

And just a couple of days ago, I was on again, this time with Jeff Madsen and Joe Tehan as we played the Savage Invitational Golf Tournament in Temecula. (godamnit I look fat)

15th Annual Savage Golf Tournament

I shot like a cripple over the 3 days so I won't go through the pain of listening to me bitch about missing a put, drive, and or chip. I shot on average, 110 over the 3 days. So I'll just do a photo easy with some funny captions.

Day 1: Cross Creek Golf Course

1 good golfer and 3 morans.. Tehan is the good one btw.


Friedberg decides to pee next to the restrooms.


My closest to the pin for the bad players. Also got a skin this day but I don't know what hole.


After finishing the first day, I decided to celebrate with some poison oak in the eye.

Day 2: Red Hawk Golf Course


Day 2 sucked ass so this is only picture of the day. I wore pink. Nuff said.

Day 3: Journey at Pechanga


Lots of gambling going on today. Probably the funnest round of golf I've played.


Teh Ghey


Another closest to the pin for the bad players. Got half a skin here too


The 6th hole. Amazing.


Madsen looking for his ball on the 6th hole.


Friedberg showing off for Tehan's gf Lisa


Madsen's water shot. Took two tries.


My biggest golf win evar! $640.


And finally... Pechanga, WTF?

JDN

2009 Poker Twitterers Awards

The Funniest Twitterer Award goes to: @ComplainSaw



This is another anonymous account. This person seems to have a direct line to the thoughts and rational of Allen "Chainsaw" Kessler. Be it a bad tournament structure or the correct usage of comp points, @complainsaw gives us an amazing insight into one of poker's most... unusual minds.

@ComplainSaw highlights:

yawn. someone alert the media again. RT @allenkessler The bellagio 5k horse structure does NOT get thechainsaaw seal of approval
3:03 PM Dec 8th, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's Buffalo Bill. "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose"
3:01 PM Dec 7th, 2009 from web

I am Brandon Cantu's raging case of oral hemorrhoids. (@brandoncantu)
8:53 PM Nov 30th, 2009 from web

I am the Ralph Wiggum of Poker
1:38 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's ability to tweet and fold at the same time
2:23 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's simmering paranoia
1:11 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from web

Kessler Translation: Tourneys should play like cash games. Don't pressure me out of my comfort zone or expand my range to QQ.
10:33 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from web

Caught a cheater today at the buffet. He was using multiple plates per trip, an obvious angle shooter.
9:01 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from web

Keep it going @ComplainSaw!

The What the What Twitterer Award goes to: @MarcelLuske



We all know that Marcel is a bit of a nutter, we've seen it on his televised table appearances. Upside down glasses, the singing, the accent. None of it really makes a whole lotta sense. So it shouldn't surprise you that his twittering is just as random and confusing as ever. To top it all off, he's apparently launched his first album.

R U Ready 4 the best year of yr life,,2010,,,, the PCA bahamas,beats & victory,s,,, sun & fun...you,l better...cause we R...C U there, {;
2:33 AM Dec 29th, 2009 from web

vegassssssssssssssssssssss,,,prepair some sushiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissss,,lol
12:20 PM Dec 9th, 2009 from web

We All state By Joking partly the truth with{out} knowing it,{B carefull what you wish 4} then After,it take,s a brave heart 2 admit that{;
5:11 AM Dec 6th, 2009 from web

moving problems to next week will not solve them,, taking time 2 do correct judgement does !
1:02 PM Nov 25th, 2009 from web

learn 2 enjoin the joy of others and C how how it make,s you happy as well,,Try it,,even when I know its hard 4 U grompy,s,,LOL
5:30 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

i know U dont have a clou what i,m talking about,, lets keep it like that,, grom..grom..,LOL
9:29 AM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

so retarded,,,hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
4:21 PM Oct 30th, 2009 from web

Wait! What?

The Meanest/Sometimes Funny Poker Twitterer Award goes to: @AsianSpa

No one really knows who Asian Spa is. He's crass, obnoxious, and sometimes damn funny. His tweets are repetitive and shallow, but you have to admit, the man likes to speak his mind. Latest rumor is that Asian Spa is actually our very own Jon Friedberg... The truth is out there, somewhere.

@AsianSpa highlights:

@Lara_Miller Are u reping @fat_david_benyamine ? I am trying to get ahold of him for a Jenny Craig deal and Subway is showing interest also
about 5 hours ago from web in reply to Lara_Miller

@laceyjones it isnt like anyone goes to your website anyway.
about 20 hours ago from mobile web

@hollywood_dave u sir could not service @tiffnymichelle right so she blew u out, now u wear UB patches to go to the grocery. Get –a-Life
4:44 PM Dec 18th, 2009 from web

@MariaHo sounds like somebody needed "Crack Spakle"
10:46 AM Dec 10th, 2009 from web in reply to MariaHo

@crissangel went to your show last week and boy did it SUCK
1:09 PM Nov 11th, 2009 from web

@back2backflack Layne your a True Fuck Head
2:49 PM Nov 7th, 2009 from web in reply to back2backflack

@dennis_phillips Your shit gets old sir.. Your podcast is like listening to dave stann talk about his cock size
8:58 PM Nov 3rd, 2009 from mobile web

@joesebok theres selling out, and selling out... U fucked the fans
9:51 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from mobile web

We hate @brandoncantu!
7:09 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from mobile web

@JonFriedberg what are u doing on MLK buying crack or hookers?
2:35 PM Oct 28th, 2009 from web in reply to JonFriedberg

Congrats @AsianSpa

The Laziest Twitterer of the Year award goes to: @BrandonCantu



I think Cantu is just trying to save time and energy by not writing complete sentences, hell he isn't even writing complete words.

Out
4:30 PM Jan 5th from txt

Hpy nye
9:54 PM Dec 31st, 2009 from txt

Mry xms
9:59 AM Dec 25th, 2009 from txt

Hpy thxgvg
11:46 AM Nov 26th, 2009 from txt

144k cant win a race
3:59 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from txt

w holds to 82k
4:25 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

4 of 6
12:29 AM Nov 5th, 2009 from txt

Chipleader hu
6:39 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from txt

414k done
8:32 PM Oct 23rd, 2009 from txt

cngrts

The most Honest Twitterer of the Year Award goes to: @ToddBrunson



Todd just doesn't give a fuck. I like that.

@SavagePoker Ya you need to work on that piece of crap!!!
11:32 PM Jan 2nd from web

Merry Christmas to all!! Well cept the Jews and the Muslims. To u guys.. Happy Hanukkah and Ramadan.. Or whatever
1:27 PM Dec 25th, 2009 from txt

Lady gaga could kick ur ass!!!!
8:53 PM Dec 17th, 2009 from txt

Genius put all his chips in with middle pair
8:12 PM Dec 15th, 2009 from txt

What an idiot. I'm bb he's sb. He limps. Flop 345 he checks and I push
8:03 PM Dec 12th, 2009 from txt

And my stupid sister Pam
7:52 PM Dec 12th, 2009 from txt

I proceded to tell her how that place has gone down hill and that's why no poker players go there anymore
12:23 AM Dec 3rd, 2009 from txt

I really think if JFK and LBJ had eaten Vietnamese soup they wouldn't have been in such a hurry to go to war with them
12:55 AM Nov 18th, 2009 from txt

We are the only white ppl in here and everyone is staring at us
6:31 PM Nov 3rd, 2009 from txt

Down to 12 players. If I make it to 10 maybe I'll stake that bitch Lara miller since she came all this way
10:35 PM Oct 9th, 2009 from txt

This trophy sucks!

The Most Annoying Twitterer Award of the Year goes to: @jeffmadsenobv



Obv. Turn off that stupid horoscope that auto posts every day and fills up my twitter with BS. Post more conspiracy theories, that always gives us something to laugh at. Even his picture is too big. Obv.

Annoying, like a skinny rapping ginger

The Twitter Fight of the Year: @allenkesslar & @savagepoker

<

This was like watching to Star Trek nerds duke it out over the topic of who was the best captian in Trek history. Kirk or Picard? Picard or Kirk? Hey look at those two pale guys with the noodley arms slap box!

This orginally started in a 2+2 thread, that you can find here, but then it didn't take too long for it to spill into the halls of the Twitter-verse.

Here are a few of the highlights:

RT @allenkessler: Finished 4th in palms 25k winner take all ;( That's your best finish in a while..... Maybe the fast structure suits you!
12:38 AM Dec 5th, 2009 from Echofon

55 X 2 = 86 is @allenkessler Math?
1:36 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from Echofon in reply to allenkessler

@AllenKessler Can you seethe marquee in the distance? http://twitpic.com/qozgd
4:25 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from Echofon



Enough about @mymixednuts already. ......
6:16 PM Dec 19th, 2009 from twidroid

People complaining here about the fast limit structure. @savagepoker yours are even faster than this.
3:22 PM Dec 1st, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker youre embarrassing yourself. They played 90 min levels at venetian and day 1 was 3 hours longer than yours
3:18 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker people dont want to play a main event where half bust by dinner and 80% out day 1 either. Borgata falls midway between.
5:40 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker continues to make fun of me on twitter, perhaps there is some merit in my comparisons. Both venetian and borgata give more
1:06 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

2 dead giveaways that @savagepoker main event structres need work. 1) half the field out by dinner 2) avg stack 5x starting chips end day 1
10:09 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from txt

Savage brought out the big guns in the 2+2 thread:

To the Chainsaw: Please avoid the LA Poker Classic if you are going to nit me everyday for more chips, longer levels, and buffet comps!

Advantage: Savage

Structure Fail Trophy

JDN

WSOP day 2b & Dream Team Poker

Sadly this is my first day 2 in a no limit event at the World Series.

Sadly I have a starting stack.

Sadly there's traffic out in front of the Rio.

Sadly, I'm very happy to still be in after being card dead on the first day.

I get to my seat around 12:10pm and the tourney still hasn't started. Nice!

First hand of the tourney I look down at AQ and raise it to 1500. Or so I think. I look down and it's only 1100. Feck!

Big blind calls and I miss the flop. He picks it up on the turn. Lame.

When I'm the big blind it's folded to small blind, who've I've already pegged as a douche bag, insta raises to 1500.

I look down at AT and reraise to 4500. He moves in. Gagh!

He can be on nothing pretty easy here because I should fold this pretty easy. I fold telling him "I'll catch him later."

Good line huh?

Down to 26K.

An orbit later the older lady in seat 6, just after losing a big hand, makes it 3000 to go with blinds at 250/500. That's a little aggressive.

I look down at KK and move in. She's got about 7000 behind. So she's pretty much committed to calling. If she understands what that means.

She does call and shows AQ. Kings hold up and I scoop the pot.

Up to 40K. High point!

Brasilia Room. Table 210 Seat 8.

Table draw:
Seat 1: RYWG
Seat 2: RWG aka The Mustache. Holy moley this guy put Magnum PI to shame.
Seat 3: RAG that looks like Tetsuo from Akira. Tetsuo!!!!!!
Seat 4: RWG
Seat 5: RWG that may or may not be Kenny Powers brother.
Seat 6: RWOL... Oops busto. Ok it's a RWG... Busto. Now it's a Euro.
Seat 7: ROWG aka, Douche Bag
Seat 8: JDN
Seat 9: RAC Random Asian Chick. I can guarantee that she's a Commerce player.

18K at first break. Yes. 18k.

I stopped taking notes at this point because I was on life tilt. I could not win a hand. It was brutal.

The first of two hands that did me in was a hand against the Euro in seat 6. I could tell from the beginning that he had a very weak concept of preflop betting when he bet 4000 in middle position with blinds at 250/500.

He showed the table jacks and said he hated playing that hand.

Naturally a few orbits later he makes a 4x bet preflop and I call with TT.

The flop is a queen high and he checks. I check.

The turn is a blank and he bets out and I call.

The river is an ace. He bets out again but something about his movement and the bet amount is just fishy. I think he put in a pot sized bet and it just seemed like he wanted to buy the pot at that point.

I consider just shoving in and taking my chances. I've seen him open muck hands on the turn and if he thinks he's beat, he'll toss is away.

The only problem is that I don't really have enough chips to convince myself that he can fold. It would be barely more than a min raise.

But I then convince myself that I might actually have the best hand. The small (for him) preflop bet makes me think he's got a medium pair.

I tank it for several minutes.

I finally call, he says "nice hand" and flips over jacks.

I just shake my head and muck the hand.

I've got 6000.

I work it up to 9000 before that last hand before dinner break. I'm on the big blind and the Euro is on the button. Its folded to him and he makes a standard 3x raise to 1900. I look down at Q9 and make the call.

The flop is K 7 8. He checks out of turn. I shove. He calls with K7. Blank blank. I'm out.

That was so painful. It wasn't even fun. I should have sold my lammers when I won the satellite.


Dream Team Poker

I'm gonna keep this one short and sweet.

I got Gavin Smith and Matt Keikoan on my team. I gotta good team. Right?

Both of them bust by the 3rd level. I'm playing like a maniac. I love it.

I crack aces twice and have 45K at second break.

I make a last long bet with Matt Savage for a round of golf. He's got 20K.

I crack aces again with a bluff.

I have 90K at 3rd break.

Joe Stapleton and I wander around the main event, inside the ropes, while drinking beer. Stapes gets kicked out first. I tell Gavin he's a bad teammate for busting so quick.

My chip count does this:

90k

55K

25K

2K

10K

28K

0K

Two orbits and I'm out.

I hate the Rio and I'm never coming back.

The Savage Invitational Golf Tournament

This is pretty much going to be a photo essay. Not to mention this happened about two weeks ago and I'm too lazy to write this up in a timely fashion.

For road trips I need fuel. Chipotle seems to do the trick and the burritos fit perfectly in the cup holders.



The night before the first round we meet at the Eureka Casino to get our tee times and gift bags.

George Karl is a little red and Matt Savage is very happy to hand out gifts.

Savage decided to be patriotic with the grab bags

After dinner Gracz, Katkin and I jump into a 2/8 spread limit game and Gracz announces that he is the world's greatest 2/8 player.

As Joe Tehan joins the game, Gracz asks if anyone will go skinny dipping with him at the hotel pool. The table is suspiciously silent.

I bust out of the game when I flop trip 6s vs a full house. Tehan folds the gut shot straight flush draw after the guy with the full house tells him he has a full house. The straight flush gets there. I hope Tehan is better at golf than poker.

Day 1

Hole 1

Oh boy. This is gonna be a long day.

I get bets down with Katkin, Gracz, Melissa Hayden, and Matt Savage. I'm playing them all straight up, $25 on the front 9, $25 on the back 9, $25 on the overall, and $5 a putt.

It's about 105 out too. Starting to sweat already.

Our group consists of Joe Tehan, Paul Taylor, Jon Katkin, and myself. I'm probably the worst golfer among us.

Hole 4:



On the 4th I hit my 4 hybrid over the mountain range and land a few feet off the green. My chip hits the pin and I birdie the hole with a 4 foot put. Sometimes I play good.

Front 9 totals:
Katkin - 52
JDN - 48

Hole 13:

This is my tee shot on 13. That's how I roll.

I shoot a 9 on 13. Did I mention we're hitting from the red tees today? Only 4000 yards and I struggling to break 100. So poor.

Day 1 totals:
Katkin - 100
JDN - 98

Back at the club house I find out that Savage beat me by 18 strokes, Gracz shot the lights out on the front 9 and destroyed me on the overall, and Hayden beat me in putts. Maybe I should quit golf, but I did win a $90 skin for my birdie on 4. I think that was split 3 ways. That damn chip should have been in the damn cup.

We play a bounty poker tournament that night and I make the final table along with Paul Taylor and Melissa Hayden. I finish 7th and collect nothing for my efforts save one bounty.

Day 2

I get bets down with Katkin and Gracz. Same bets and we're playing the blues today. It's 6500 yards from the blues. I'm going to be sore tonight.

In today's group its me and Katkin with a couple of old ladies named Matt and Andy. Matt won this tournament last year as a 14 handicap.

I've had to hit this shot on hole 1 two days in a row, blind shot to the pin, over the mountain. Who chose this course?

6th Hole

Front 9 scores:
Katkin - 57
JDN - 59

We are so bad.

Hole 11:



Hole 11 is a par 3 and it drops down about 200 feet from the tee. I step up with a 6 iron and hit my shot. Looks good. It drops about 20 yards to the right of the green, takes a great bounce and rolls onto the green. Sweet! Then it keeps rolling. Rolling to about 6 feet in front of the pin. That's closest to the pin! Yeah boy!

Katkin's tee shot lands 3 feet in front of the green on the fringe. Then he chips it in with his fake "chipper" club for a birdie. I miss my 6 footer and my chance for a skin. Damn it!

Katkin is a cheater.

12th hole

17th hole. I hate this hole and it knows it. I almost get hit in the back of the head with a ball from a tee shot from 16. Fuck this hole. Not to mention the lowest score I get on it in 3 days is a 9.

Day 2 totals:
Katkin - 122
JDN - 117

That is so bad. So so bad. We should quit.

I hit up the casino bar to watch hockey and play video poker.

ship it!

The Pens win and I in turn, win $50 from Gracz who loves the Hurricanes. There should be no hockey in the Carolinas. Its just wrong.

Day 3

On day 3 I get stuck with Matt Savage, Mike Gracz, and Paul Taylor. This should be a train wreck. I wish Joy Miller was here to be my caddie. Someone would def go to the hospital.

The bets get down and we're off. Me and Savage vs Paul and Gracz, straight up. I take no part of that bet because, well because, I suck and Gracz sucks just a little bit less than me.

On 6 I grab a Heineken before I tee off. It seems to work as I absolutely crush my shot. It clears the creek and ends up about 75 yards from the pin. That's a 330 yard drive. Thank you very much. Too bad I hit the second shot fat and end up with a bogey on the hole.

Hole 7

Gracz leeves his 2nd shot short and we all watch him stand on the edge of a painful death to make his shot.

fall motherfucker fall!

Hole 8

Savage puts his tee shot in the front of the par 3 green and into the creek. Paul and I put ours in the creek too but opt to chip up from the drop zone.

Savage scours the creek for his ball and soon the shoes come off.

His first shot goes no where, but the second gets out of the water and showers Matt in mud.

It takes us at least 20 minutes to play this hole. Thank you Savage for not dropping and making us stand in the sun for 15 minutes that we didn't need too.

I'm playing so bad.


Front 9 totals:
Grazc - 49
JDN - 52
Paul - 40
Savage - 47

On hole 14, Gracz announces that his alter ego, the Hulk is back. He doesn't break a club but he comes close after blowing up on a couple of holes in a row. I like this version of Mr Gracz.

Hole 14. An amazing hole, that amazingly, I played well all three days.

I shoot a 10 on 17 again. I hate that hole.

On 18 Paul 3 puts and gives Matt and I the win. Yay! Too bad I didn't have any action on it.

Day 3 overall:
Gracz - 100
JDN - 113
Paul - 83
Savage - 89

I don't know how we won but Savage said we did so I'll believe him. I remind myself not believe him the next time we play heads up. You gotta keep an eye on him at all times.

I bounce out pretty quickly to get back to Vegas and the opening of Santana at the Hard Rock. Had fun but its too damn hot in Mesquite in June to play 3 days of golf. Specially since I suck so bad.

WSOP coming up!

JDN

$500 HORSE Venetian Deep Stack AKA Debacle at the Venetian

I get to the Venetian around 1pm and sit down at a 4/8 Omaha hi/lo table with a half kill. I gotta kill two hours before the horse tourney starts. Might as well do it at omahahaha.

Just found out that the tourney doesn't start till 4. Blargh!

I pick up from the Omaha game at 4:00pm to play the horse. And I'm up $350. Ship it! I'm freerolling the horse!

Table draw:

Table 45 seat 3. 8k in chips, 20 minutes per game. Blargh! I like 8 hands per game way better.

Seat 1: rowg, a Greek. Kinda fat.
Seat 2: rowg named Stan. A very friendly gentleman.
Seat 3: JDN
Seat 4 rowg, apparently he won this tourney in feb. He's announced it 3 times.
Seat 5: rowg
Seat 6: rowg that looks like martin Scorsese. Complete with the giant glasses.
Seat 7: rwg
Seat 8: crazy ivan. Some Russian with a New York accent. He's channeling Tony G.

I lose 2500 in the first round of limit hold'em. At 50/100. Good gawd. At least I can last longer than 25 minutes... that's what she said.

I get it all back in Omaha and get up to 12K.

Then all hell breaks loose when razz starts. Apparently no one looked at the structure before we played. We jump up to 25 ante, 25 bring in 100/200.

Pretty much every table calls the floor over to protest and Mr Matt Savage walks over to say hi. I ask him if this is his structure.

He says no and that he just texted someone that it was bullshit. Tru dat.

10k at first break.

I pretty much stop writing shit down at this point because I lose every hand I play.

I stay alive long enough to have two old dudes in stud blind check 7th street to me when they both hit gutshot straights. Dummies. Eskimo Clark did that to me once with a straight flush. Old dudes man...

I get down to 500 and get it all in 5 or six hands in a row and chop every one.

1150 at next break.

On the button in hold'em it's limped to me with Kh7h. I call and 4 of us see the flop. All I know is that there are 2 hearts on the flop and that's all I'll ever see.

Gotta walk back to Caesars.

I play so bad.

JDN

$500 Caesars Circuit Event

Insta-tilt to start the tournament. The tournament starts and the floor directs the dealer to deal. The problem here is that there are only 3 people at the table. I call the floor over to say that you can't deal with only 3 players.

He says all the seats are sold, go ahead and deal. I tell I him I don't believe him for a second that all the seats are sold.

He sarcastically says, "I hope you win the tournament."

As he walks away I reply, "I if win you better hope for a tip."

What a fucking douche bag. I text Matt Savage to see what the TDA rule is.

(start text)

JDN: Hey the TDs are caesars are retarded. Can you start dealing a tournament when there are only 3 players at the table?

MS: depends on the situation?

JDN: It's a ten handed 10 table only 3 seats sold. Happy Easter btw

MS: Thanks, with only 3 on a new table i will wait but if all the seats are sold or even 8 of the 10 are there then i will deal

JDN: THat's what I thought. thx

MS: Golf... lets do it!

(end of text)

I then watch the next person to buy in, walk over to our table and sit down in seat 8. Fucking lying bastard.

Now we have 4.

I lose two tilty hands in the next orbit and 4 more people buy in and take their seats at the table. I swear I'm gonna smack that guy next time I see him.

It's not so much that he was wrong, it's that he treated me like I was retarded. I know what the fucking rule is. Just cause you don't, don't lie to cover it up.

Then with seat 8 on the button, seat 1 limps, I raise to 175 with Ac8c. The small and big blind call as does seat 1. The flop comes 6c 7c 8d.

There's gonna be some fireworks on this hand.

Seat 8 bets out 550. Seat 1 calls. I raise to 1500. Small blind folds.

Then seat 8 does this whole confused act for several minutes before trying to raise to 4500. It takes a couple more minutes to get the right amount of chips out there.

Ok I'm up against a set or a straight. I never win these. I should fold.

I move in.

He calls and says, "show me aces!"

I got better. I show the Ac8c and he shows 7h6h. WTF? Why would you wanna see aces with that hand. Guess he's never been counterfeited before.

No sir I only have 16 outs. The turn is a 4. Now I got 19 outs.

The river pairs the board with the wrong card. A 6 and I'm out.

Fuck this place. I'm going to go the Venetian to play the HORSE tourney. In 3 hours. Blargh!

JDN

LAPC $1K HORSE

I get to the Commerce Casino in about 30 minutes from Venice which is a great sign. I'm running good already, I beat the LA traffic game.

The other tilter about the Commerce is that if you bust between 3pm and 7pm you get stuck in traffic heading home. Bust out time becomes a real issue here.

I run into Scott Clements and Brian Devonshire shortly before the tournament and get roped into a 30 person last longer. Actually I was the fifth one in and at that time there was only the aforementioned Scott, Devo, Jimmy Fricke (I LOL'd and sent out a couple texts), and some kid with a lol donkaments shirt on. Nerd alert.

Since then it's ballooned to about 30 players and includes the likes of Miami John, Jerry Buss, Maria Ho, Raymond Davis, Mark Gregorich, and assorted other Internet nerds that I don't know.

It's definitely the biggest last longer I've ever been a part of. I also got Devo to promise to manage the list even if he busts.

Table 10 seat 6

Table draw:
Seat 1: rwg
Seat 2: Tyler Patterson, a Canadian
Seat 3: Dr Jerry Buss, who looks exactly like the guy that owns of the Lakers.
Seat 4: a younger skinny white guy that I've played with in vegas and couple of occasions.
Seat 5: rwg with lovely knit sweater on.
Seat 6: JDN
Seat 7: a guy the looks like the actor Luis Guzman but talks like he's from the valley.
Seat 8: don't his real name but his online name is cardsharpsnet. He's a dirty hippy too. He's wearing a grateful dead shirt.

The last longer is up to about 35 players. That's a fifth of the field.

I make myself look like a noob in stud 8, when after 7th street in a big multiway pot I announce my hand as a wheel with 3s up. D'oh!

I didn't even have 3s up. I had 4s up. So poor. A few people have a laugh but I'm the one scooping the big 3k pot. Biacthes!

And Devo is out. First one in the tournament.

I gotta give some kudos to TD Matt Savage. Awesome structure! We start with 5K and blinds start at 50/100. Levels are an hour long and the game changes every 8 hands.

There's no 3 levels of fluff. Every hand counts. Well done sir! I hope the WSOP is listening. But I bet they're not.

And you know they're not listen to the community because this year the lifestyles show is called pokerpalooza. Really? Genius.

$5850 at break. Down from 8K cause I got a little frisky in Omaha.

About half the people at the table are riding Jerry's nuts. I saw this happen at the last LAPC main event when we were at the same table on day 2. He doesn't seem to mind but it bugs me. One of them will be saying this later:



Jerry can't remember the blinds to save his life. It's soooo cute when he acts all confused.

Official count is 212 players which beats my guesstimation.

I'm running so bad in limit omaha. I'm thinking about just sitting out of the game and going to take a dump. It would be more productive than this.

In a hand with Tyler the flop falls K Q T rainbow. I have AAJ9. I flop the nuts as I check call Tyler's bet the turns peels off another T. My nuts go right out the window. I check call again as the river puts a flush out there. I check call again and he shows AsJs. Pfffffft.

I win half a multiway stud 8 pot with AQ high. Sweet!

I get involved in a big stud 8 with Tyler and cardsharps in the final hand of the round. It's bet every round and I hit a wheel on 7th to scoop. I should just be playing stud 8 and going to lunch during all the other games.

And now I've seen everything. In Omaha (of course) seat 5 bets the flop, turn and river with A high and gets called by top pair.

I'm changing the name of it to Omahhhhfuckitha.

$5325 at 2nd break. Treading water. My speciality.

I get blinded down 3300 before I pick up split kings in stud 8. See? I should just be playing stud 8. It's the only thing keeping me alive.

Anyway... I'm up against split aces for seat 5 and split queens for seat 7. I call the aces down till I get Kings up on 6th and put him all in. It holds up and I collect his stack to get back up to 5500.

Tony Ma sits down in seat 5 and some balding little guy with a really bad mohawk, it looks like a comma on his forehead, takes seat 8.

The idiot in seat 1 is winning every hand he plays. It's so gross. I just keep telling myself, "be patient motherfucker!".

The blinds are now at 300/600 and peeps are dropping like flies. I have 3700. Patience!!!

That random guy who final tabled the 50K last year gets moved to seat 8 after horrible Mohawk guy bust by playing a razz hand horribly.

Down to 1900 on the 3rd hand of stud 8 (see?) I get it all in vs the idiot in seat 1 with 8s and 6s against his queens and flush draw. I don't have to sweat it cause an 8 pops out next and I more than double to 5000. Starting stack!!!

In the last hand before dinner break Jerry Buss beats me out of a hand that I would gotten half of. Course he got scooped by the idiot in seat 1.

$3800 at dinner break.

In the 400/800 hold'em level I have to bluff off my whole stack to pick up a pot against Luis Guzman. But as it turns out, my 8 high was good. 4300.

Oh Luis!

Haha. Jerry Buss still uses a RAZR phone.

After the Canadian busts, Scott Clements takes his seat. Great. He's an Omaha specialist, two bracelets! But he's super short.

I fold every hand in the Omaha round. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Seat 1 idiot and Scott bust out in the same razz hand to Luis Guzman. Miami John takes seat 1. And he has chips. Lovely.

Fuck razz. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Seat 1 busts. Donk. Of course I didn't get any of his chips. Those all went to Tony Ma.

I'm in life support during stud. Down to 1700 at one point. I. Just. Need. To. Make. It. To. Stud. 8.

So I do make it to stud 8. 80 people left in the tournament and I never had more than 8000 chips. Lovely. I look down at 2s 4s in the hole and a 3s showing. Let's get this shit moving. It's a 4 way pot with Tony Ma, Luis Guzman, and the kid. My 4th street card is the 4c. I don't really like that but I'm moving in on this.

For some reason its checked around. 5th street is a Ks and I get it all in. Luis calls as does the kid. I pick up a 6d on 6th street and it looks like I'm in a good spot to scoop the main pot.

On 7th Luis bets out and the kid calls with trip 7s. Luis has an ace high heart flush. Ok. I can scoop with the ace of spades or get half with a low card. Time to squeeze. I shuffle up the down cards. 4s. Ok I already knew I had that. Red ten. Fuck. I throw down my cards and walk out.



JDN

Matt Savage – 0, Golf Cart – 1

It was a pleasant day on the 10th hole at TPC canyons. We had just teed off and Layne and I were a seconds behind the other cart containing Matt Savage and Phil Gordon. We lost sight of them as they turned the corner and Layne and I discussed the pros and cons of being in the other fairway on this hole.

As we turned the aforementioned corner a sight lay before us that took me several seconds to comprehend. Why was Matt laying face first on the concert cart path? Was he looking for his ball or doing sprinkler maintenance? Layne observed, “Look at this twinkie here.”

Layne, being thoughtful human that he is, drove right past Matt’s limp body and said, “Walk it off.” We had to find his ball in the trees on the other fairway and it took precedence over injuries.

Phil is obviously new to cart driving techniques and apparently he turned into the turn, hit the curb and bounced poor Matt out of the cart.

Matt pared the hole and requested some Neosporin from the snack lady.

JDN