2009 Poker Twitterers Awards

The Funniest Twitterer Award goes to: @ComplainSaw



This is another anonymous account. This person seems to have a direct line to the thoughts and rational of Allen "Chainsaw" Kessler. Be it a bad tournament structure or the correct usage of comp points, @complainsaw gives us an amazing insight into one of poker's most... unusual minds.

@ComplainSaw highlights:

yawn. someone alert the media again. RT @allenkessler The bellagio 5k horse structure does NOT get thechainsaaw seal of approval
3:03 PM Dec 8th, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's Buffalo Bill. "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose"
3:01 PM Dec 7th, 2009 from web

I am Brandon Cantu's raging case of oral hemorrhoids. (@brandoncantu)
8:53 PM Nov 30th, 2009 from web

I am the Ralph Wiggum of Poker
1:38 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's ability to tweet and fold at the same time
2:23 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's simmering paranoia
1:11 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from web

Kessler Translation: Tourneys should play like cash games. Don't pressure me out of my comfort zone or expand my range to QQ.
10:33 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from web

Caught a cheater today at the buffet. He was using multiple plates per trip, an obvious angle shooter.
9:01 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from web

Keep it going @ComplainSaw!

The What the What Twitterer Award goes to: @MarcelLuske



We all know that Marcel is a bit of a nutter, we've seen it on his televised table appearances. Upside down glasses, the singing, the accent. None of it really makes a whole lotta sense. So it shouldn't surprise you that his twittering is just as random and confusing as ever. To top it all off, he's apparently launched his first album.

R U Ready 4 the best year of yr life,,2010,,,, the PCA bahamas,beats & victory,s,,, sun & fun...you,l better...cause we R...C U there, {;
2:33 AM Dec 29th, 2009 from web

vegassssssssssssssssssssss,,,prepair some sushiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissss,,lol
12:20 PM Dec 9th, 2009 from web

We All state By Joking partly the truth with{out} knowing it,{B carefull what you wish 4} then After,it take,s a brave heart 2 admit that{;
5:11 AM Dec 6th, 2009 from web

moving problems to next week will not solve them,, taking time 2 do correct judgement does !
1:02 PM Nov 25th, 2009 from web

learn 2 enjoin the joy of others and C how how it make,s you happy as well,,Try it,,even when I know its hard 4 U grompy,s,,LOL
5:30 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

i know U dont have a clou what i,m talking about,, lets keep it like that,, grom..grom..,LOL
9:29 AM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

so retarded,,,hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
4:21 PM Oct 30th, 2009 from web

Wait! What?

The Meanest/Sometimes Funny Poker Twitterer Award goes to: @AsianSpa

No one really knows who Asian Spa is. He's crass, obnoxious, and sometimes damn funny. His tweets are repetitive and shallow, but you have to admit, the man likes to speak his mind. Latest rumor is that Asian Spa is actually our very own Jon Friedberg... The truth is out there, somewhere.

@AsianSpa highlights:

@Lara_Miller Are u reping @fat_david_benyamine ? I am trying to get ahold of him for a Jenny Craig deal and Subway is showing interest also
about 5 hours ago from web in reply to Lara_Miller

@laceyjones it isnt like anyone goes to your website anyway.
about 20 hours ago from mobile web

@hollywood_dave u sir could not service @tiffnymichelle right so she blew u out, now u wear UB patches to go to the grocery. Get –a-Life
4:44 PM Dec 18th, 2009 from web

@MariaHo sounds like somebody needed "Crack Spakle"
10:46 AM Dec 10th, 2009 from web in reply to MariaHo

@crissangel went to your show last week and boy did it SUCK
1:09 PM Nov 11th, 2009 from web

@back2backflack Layne your a True Fuck Head
2:49 PM Nov 7th, 2009 from web in reply to back2backflack

@dennis_phillips Your shit gets old sir.. Your podcast is like listening to dave stann talk about his cock size
8:58 PM Nov 3rd, 2009 from mobile web

@joesebok theres selling out, and selling out... U fucked the fans
9:51 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from mobile web

We hate @brandoncantu!
7:09 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from mobile web

@JonFriedberg what are u doing on MLK buying crack or hookers?
2:35 PM Oct 28th, 2009 from web in reply to JonFriedberg

Congrats @AsianSpa

The Laziest Twitterer of the Year award goes to: @BrandonCantu



I think Cantu is just trying to save time and energy by not writing complete sentences, hell he isn't even writing complete words.

Out
4:30 PM Jan 5th from txt

Hpy nye
9:54 PM Dec 31st, 2009 from txt

Mry xms
9:59 AM Dec 25th, 2009 from txt

Hpy thxgvg
11:46 AM Nov 26th, 2009 from txt

144k cant win a race
3:59 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from txt

w holds to 82k
4:25 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

4 of 6
12:29 AM Nov 5th, 2009 from txt

Chipleader hu
6:39 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from txt

414k done
8:32 PM Oct 23rd, 2009 from txt

cngrts

The most Honest Twitterer of the Year Award goes to: @ToddBrunson



Todd just doesn't give a fuck. I like that.

@SavagePoker Ya you need to work on that piece of crap!!!
11:32 PM Jan 2nd from web

Merry Christmas to all!! Well cept the Jews and the Muslims. To u guys.. Happy Hanukkah and Ramadan.. Or whatever
1:27 PM Dec 25th, 2009 from txt

Lady gaga could kick ur ass!!!!
8:53 PM Dec 17th, 2009 from txt

Genius put all his chips in with middle pair
8:12 PM Dec 15th, 2009 from txt

What an idiot. I'm bb he's sb. He limps. Flop 345 he checks and I push
8:03 PM Dec 12th, 2009 from txt

And my stupid sister Pam
7:52 PM Dec 12th, 2009 from txt

I proceded to tell her how that place has gone down hill and that's why no poker players go there anymore
12:23 AM Dec 3rd, 2009 from txt

I really think if JFK and LBJ had eaten Vietnamese soup they wouldn't have been in such a hurry to go to war with them
12:55 AM Nov 18th, 2009 from txt

We are the only white ppl in here and everyone is staring at us
6:31 PM Nov 3rd, 2009 from txt

Down to 12 players. If I make it to 10 maybe I'll stake that bitch Lara miller since she came all this way
10:35 PM Oct 9th, 2009 from txt

This trophy sucks!

The Most Annoying Twitterer Award of the Year goes to: @jeffmadsenobv



Obv. Turn off that stupid horoscope that auto posts every day and fills up my twitter with BS. Post more conspiracy theories, that always gives us something to laugh at. Even his picture is too big. Obv.

Annoying, like a skinny rapping ginger

The Twitter Fight of the Year: @allenkesslar & @savagepoker

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This was like watching to Star Trek nerds duke it out over the topic of who was the best captian in Trek history. Kirk or Picard? Picard or Kirk? Hey look at those two pale guys with the noodley arms slap box!

This orginally started in a 2+2 thread, that you can find here, but then it didn't take too long for it to spill into the halls of the Twitter-verse.

Here are a few of the highlights:

RT @allenkessler: Finished 4th in palms 25k winner take all ;( That's your best finish in a while..... Maybe the fast structure suits you!
12:38 AM Dec 5th, 2009 from Echofon

55 X 2 = 86 is @allenkessler Math?
1:36 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from Echofon in reply to allenkessler

@AllenKessler Can you seethe marquee in the distance? http://twitpic.com/qozgd
4:25 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from Echofon



Enough about @mymixednuts already. ......
6:16 PM Dec 19th, 2009 from twidroid

People complaining here about the fast limit structure. @savagepoker yours are even faster than this.
3:22 PM Dec 1st, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker youre embarrassing yourself. They played 90 min levels at venetian and day 1 was 3 hours longer than yours
3:18 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker people dont want to play a main event where half bust by dinner and 80% out day 1 either. Borgata falls midway between.
5:40 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker continues to make fun of me on twitter, perhaps there is some merit in my comparisons. Both venetian and borgata give more
1:06 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

2 dead giveaways that @savagepoker main event structres need work. 1) half the field out by dinner 2) avg stack 5x starting chips end day 1
10:09 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from txt

Savage brought out the big guns in the 2+2 thread:

To the Chainsaw: Please avoid the LA Poker Classic if you are going to nit me everyday for more chips, longer levels, and buffet comps!

Advantage: Savage

Structure Fail Trophy

JDN

$500 Venetian Deep Stack

Since the WSOP sold out today I decided to play the Venetian. I get down here around 1 and surprisingly, I'm not an alternate.

Wow. I feel like I'm already a winner.

Table 53 seat 5. 15,000 in starting chips (well 14,450 for me since I arrived a little late) and 40 minute levels.

I officially have the slowest most boringest table evar! Here's how my day has gone so far: fold fold fold fold fold fold fold call check fold fold fold fold fold fold fold fold fold.

Awesome.

12K at first break.

Table draw:

Seat 1: RWG with a blue PSP. He looks too old to have one
Seat 2: A woman. Not hot. Possibly a midget. Oops. Confirmed busto.
Seat 3: RBG who can't handle his chips and he's already mistakenly raised a couple of hands preflop when he was trying to call.
Seat 4: A woman. Asian. Also a dealer and not not hot.
Seat 5: JDN
Seat 6: RAG
Seat 7: RWG with a WSOP hoodie.
Seat 8: ROWG, a long time grinder that I've seen around a bunch. No clue as to his name.
Seat 9: RAG
Seat 10: RWG, super aggro with continuation bets and reraising.

PSP guy is wearing a Rio All Suite Hotel shirt that says, "Paradise Found." I wonder if he's ever actually be to the Rio.

I get it all in with AK on a A K 4 board against seat 10. He shows AK. Chop chop. That's most action I've seen all day.

The PSP guy makes is 550 to go in the 100/200 25 ante level and he gets called in 4 spots including me.

The flop falls T 8 6. The not not hot Asian dealer bets out 1300 and I call. Everyone else folds.

The turn is a 9. She bets 3600. I call.

The river is a 7. Hey! Thats a straight on the board. She thinks about it for a moment before checking. Hmmmm. I wonder what the amount is that she would fold to and I wonder how much she would call.

I bet 6000. I'm pretty sure she would fold to an all in. She's got about 9K behind her.

After a bit she makes the crying call. I show JJ and take down the pot with a J high strizzle.

Up to 28K.

A few hands later I bust her with QQ and get my stack up to 33K.

Right around 32K at second break. Haven't really had any strong hands and I've been manufacturing all of my pots.

First hand back the PSP guy raises it up to 2300. The RWG to my right moves all in and the guy on my left that looks like a mini Layoto Machida moves all in too. Then the dealer mucks his cards.

Wait! What?

The floor is called over and the decision is made to take 2300 out of his stack, give him the rest of the chips back and lecture him on protecting his hand.

It saved him money. Both of the other players flopped sets and rivered full houses.

I look down at 22 and raise it up to 2100 in late position and get called by the old timey grinder from the small blind.

The flop is HOLY SHIT! A girl just sat down in seat 1 with giant boobies. Motorboat!

Ok where was I? I can't remember what I was writing about.

Anywoo I fired two bullets with 22 on a board of A 6 7 K to take down a nice pot.

40300 at color up. The girl with big boobies is cold.

Well level 8 sucked moosecock bro. I lost 6000 with TT and a few hands later I lost 8500 with 88. I wish my nickname was the man with no sets or the man with no nuts.

The big titty committee can't remember to put her antes out. Damn annoying. Then she busts. Ding!

I would say that 60% of the time my first card is a K. 100% of the time the second card does not complement the King.

772 total players for this tourney. 74 pay and $101,000 for first.

42,900 at 3rd break. Right about average with 260 players left.

Annnnd we're on dinner break.

Apparently someone at another table disagreed with a ruling that one way or the other caused him to bust out. So this gentleman decided the best course of action was to dump everyone's chips into the middle of the table.

As you can imagine chaos erupted and security was called. The guy tried to make a getaway but the poker room manager, Kathy Raymond, caught him in the parking lot.

So the TDs called an early dinner so that they could check the cameras and figure out who's chips are who's.

Awesome. Chipotle here I come.

Watched the ping pong championships at dinner.

Entering burrito coma post dinner break.

Levels 10 & 11 go as follows: fold fold fold fold fold fold fold think about it... fold fold fold fold fold fold

Then I look down at JJ in middle position. Ok I have 25,600. I got abot 13 big blinds. Do I raise to 6K or just stick it in?

That's what she said.

I stick it in.

That's what she said.

I get called by the big blind who just happens to be my new British friend Ramsey, with AK.

He blanks out and I double to 53K.

An orbit later I flop my first set and check raise the RBG in seat 2 to snatch 20K off of him.

I'm up to 72K which is a just hair below average.

I stopped writing at this pot and I will now post responses to my tweets.

# 1
Rocking my moose cock off to Preistess and it seems to be working. Flopped first of the day. 73K with 140 players 73 pay.

Umm yeah, pretty much already talked about this. I don't really have a moose cock, its more of a mouse cock.

# 2
68K at break. A bit below average. Waiting for that rush to hit. Maybe I'll order a heineken.

I did order a Heine and I won $10 playing video poker. I promised myself not to play video poker but I have a hard time keeping to my personal promises.

# 3
47500 going into the 2k/4k level. About 90 left 73 pay. Why do I get myself in these situations? Need to cash so I can shave.

I made a bet with myself not to shave or get a hair cut until I cash. Let's just say that the GF is not a fan of this.

# 4
On the money bubble. I have 12 chips for exactly 36K. Average is 160k. Short stack ninja or fold machine?

LA Mike told me to shove every hand and Robin, Perry's GF told me to fold every hand. Not a fan of either of those options.

# 5
Just saw half a nipple on a giant boobie while walking back from the can. That's good luck right? Still on the bubble.

It was a giant boobie and I saw the part around the nozzle. Whats that called?

# 6
It was a lucky nipple! And the monkey is off my back. I can shave! And I won $73. WTF?

Pretty sure I'm gonna start asking to see nipples when I get near the money. It probably would have got me to the money in the 5K PLO8.

# 7
Busto. 66 vs KK. Both hit sets. Don't know what place or how much I'm getting but at least I cam shave now.

So I end up getting AK twice after we redraw with 72 left. I get up to 78K, a high for the day, before I move in with 66 from middle position. I rivered a set but the other guy turned his set.

Oh well. I got 52nd and $894. It was my first cash since February... holy fuck thats bad, but I think I played awesome.

I never had AA or KK and got every chip I could with the shit hands I had. This is a good sign.

JDN