2009 Poker Twitterers Awards

The Funniest Twitterer Award goes to: @ComplainSaw



This is another anonymous account. This person seems to have a direct line to the thoughts and rational of Allen "Chainsaw" Kessler. Be it a bad tournament structure or the correct usage of comp points, @complainsaw gives us an amazing insight into one of poker's most... unusual minds.

@ComplainSaw highlights:

yawn. someone alert the media again. RT @allenkessler The bellagio 5k horse structure does NOT get thechainsaaw seal of approval
3:03 PM Dec 8th, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's Buffalo Bill. "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose"
3:01 PM Dec 7th, 2009 from web

I am Brandon Cantu's raging case of oral hemorrhoids. (@brandoncantu)
8:53 PM Nov 30th, 2009 from web

I am the Ralph Wiggum of Poker
1:38 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's ability to tweet and fold at the same time
2:23 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from web

I am Kessler's simmering paranoia
1:11 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from web

Kessler Translation: Tourneys should play like cash games. Don't pressure me out of my comfort zone or expand my range to QQ.
10:33 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from web

Caught a cheater today at the buffet. He was using multiple plates per trip, an obvious angle shooter.
9:01 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from web

Keep it going @ComplainSaw!

The What the What Twitterer Award goes to: @MarcelLuske



We all know that Marcel is a bit of a nutter, we've seen it on his televised table appearances. Upside down glasses, the singing, the accent. None of it really makes a whole lotta sense. So it shouldn't surprise you that his twittering is just as random and confusing as ever. To top it all off, he's apparently launched his first album.

R U Ready 4 the best year of yr life,,2010,,,, the PCA bahamas,beats & victory,s,,, sun & fun...you,l better...cause we R...C U there, {;
2:33 AM Dec 29th, 2009 from web

vegassssssssssssssssssssss,,,prepair some sushiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissss,,lol
12:20 PM Dec 9th, 2009 from web

We All state By Joking partly the truth with{out} knowing it,{B carefull what you wish 4} then After,it take,s a brave heart 2 admit that{;
5:11 AM Dec 6th, 2009 from web

moving problems to next week will not solve them,, taking time 2 do correct judgement does !
1:02 PM Nov 25th, 2009 from web

learn 2 enjoin the joy of others and C how how it make,s you happy as well,,Try it,,even when I know its hard 4 U grompy,s,,LOL
5:30 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

i know U dont have a clou what i,m talking about,, lets keep it like that,, grom..grom..,LOL
9:29 AM Nov 24th, 2009 from web

so retarded,,,hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
4:21 PM Oct 30th, 2009 from web

Wait! What?

The Meanest/Sometimes Funny Poker Twitterer Award goes to: @AsianSpa

No one really knows who Asian Spa is. He's crass, obnoxious, and sometimes damn funny. His tweets are repetitive and shallow, but you have to admit, the man likes to speak his mind. Latest rumor is that Asian Spa is actually our very own Jon Friedberg... The truth is out there, somewhere.

@AsianSpa highlights:

@Lara_Miller Are u reping @fat_david_benyamine ? I am trying to get ahold of him for a Jenny Craig deal and Subway is showing interest also
about 5 hours ago from web in reply to Lara_Miller

@laceyjones it isnt like anyone goes to your website anyway.
about 20 hours ago from mobile web

@hollywood_dave u sir could not service @tiffnymichelle right so she blew u out, now u wear UB patches to go to the grocery. Get –a-Life
4:44 PM Dec 18th, 2009 from web

@MariaHo sounds like somebody needed "Crack Spakle"
10:46 AM Dec 10th, 2009 from web in reply to MariaHo

@crissangel went to your show last week and boy did it SUCK
1:09 PM Nov 11th, 2009 from web

@back2backflack Layne your a True Fuck Head
2:49 PM Nov 7th, 2009 from web in reply to back2backflack

@dennis_phillips Your shit gets old sir.. Your podcast is like listening to dave stann talk about his cock size
8:58 PM Nov 3rd, 2009 from mobile web

@joesebok theres selling out, and selling out... U fucked the fans
9:51 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from mobile web

We hate @brandoncantu!
7:09 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from mobile web

@JonFriedberg what are u doing on MLK buying crack or hookers?
2:35 PM Oct 28th, 2009 from web in reply to JonFriedberg

Congrats @AsianSpa

The Laziest Twitterer of the Year award goes to: @BrandonCantu



I think Cantu is just trying to save time and energy by not writing complete sentences, hell he isn't even writing complete words.

Out
4:30 PM Jan 5th from txt

Hpy nye
9:54 PM Dec 31st, 2009 from txt

Mry xms
9:59 AM Dec 25th, 2009 from txt

Hpy thxgvg
11:46 AM Nov 26th, 2009 from txt

144k cant win a race
3:59 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from txt

w holds to 82k
4:25 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

4 of 6
12:29 AM Nov 5th, 2009 from txt

Chipleader hu
6:39 PM Nov 1st, 2009 from txt

414k done
8:32 PM Oct 23rd, 2009 from txt

cngrts

The most Honest Twitterer of the Year Award goes to: @ToddBrunson



Todd just doesn't give a fuck. I like that.

@SavagePoker Ya you need to work on that piece of crap!!!
11:32 PM Jan 2nd from web

Merry Christmas to all!! Well cept the Jews and the Muslims. To u guys.. Happy Hanukkah and Ramadan.. Or whatever
1:27 PM Dec 25th, 2009 from txt

Lady gaga could kick ur ass!!!!
8:53 PM Dec 17th, 2009 from txt

Genius put all his chips in with middle pair
8:12 PM Dec 15th, 2009 from txt

What an idiot. I'm bb he's sb. He limps. Flop 345 he checks and I push
8:03 PM Dec 12th, 2009 from txt

And my stupid sister Pam
7:52 PM Dec 12th, 2009 from txt

I proceded to tell her how that place has gone down hill and that's why no poker players go there anymore
12:23 AM Dec 3rd, 2009 from txt

I really think if JFK and LBJ had eaten Vietnamese soup they wouldn't have been in such a hurry to go to war with them
12:55 AM Nov 18th, 2009 from txt

We are the only white ppl in here and everyone is staring at us
6:31 PM Nov 3rd, 2009 from txt

Down to 12 players. If I make it to 10 maybe I'll stake that bitch Lara miller since she came all this way
10:35 PM Oct 9th, 2009 from txt

This trophy sucks!

The Most Annoying Twitterer Award of the Year goes to: @jeffmadsenobv



Obv. Turn off that stupid horoscope that auto posts every day and fills up my twitter with BS. Post more conspiracy theories, that always gives us something to laugh at. Even his picture is too big. Obv.

Annoying, like a skinny rapping ginger

The Twitter Fight of the Year: @allenkesslar & @savagepoker

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This was like watching to Star Trek nerds duke it out over the topic of who was the best captian in Trek history. Kirk or Picard? Picard or Kirk? Hey look at those two pale guys with the noodley arms slap box!

This orginally started in a 2+2 thread, that you can find here, but then it didn't take too long for it to spill into the halls of the Twitter-verse.

Here are a few of the highlights:

RT @allenkessler: Finished 4th in palms 25k winner take all ;( That's your best finish in a while..... Maybe the fast structure suits you!
12:38 AM Dec 5th, 2009 from Echofon

55 X 2 = 86 is @allenkessler Math?
1:36 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from Echofon in reply to allenkessler

@AllenKessler Can you seethe marquee in the distance? http://twitpic.com/qozgd
4:25 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from Echofon



Enough about @mymixednuts already. ......
6:16 PM Dec 19th, 2009 from twidroid

People complaining here about the fast limit structure. @savagepoker yours are even faster than this.
3:22 PM Dec 1st, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker youre embarrassing yourself. They played 90 min levels at venetian and day 1 was 3 hours longer than yours
3:18 PM Nov 24th, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker people dont want to play a main event where half bust by dinner and 80% out day 1 either. Borgata falls midway between.
5:40 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

@savagepoker continues to make fun of me on twitter, perhaps there is some merit in my comparisons. Both venetian and borgata give more
1:06 PM Nov 23rd, 2009 from txt

2 dead giveaways that @savagepoker main event structres need work. 1) half the field out by dinner 2) avg stack 5x starting chips end day 1
10:09 AM Nov 21st, 2009 from txt

Savage brought out the big guns in the 2+2 thread:

To the Chainsaw: Please avoid the LA Poker Classic if you are going to nit me everyday for more chips, longer levels, and buffet comps!

Advantage: Savage

Structure Fail Trophy

JDN

Caesars Classic $1000 heads up

I've never played a live heads up tourney before but I'm master of the $13.75 heads up token sngs on FTP.

On the drive in I was behind Cantu's car and his personalized license plate read CMYAGNT. That made me giggle. And when I remembered that his agent is Matt Palmer, I giggled some more.

The tournament started late as they waited for it fill up. Of course I had to take a last longer with Gsmith.

They were playing two matches per table and John Phan was in the other match at my table. It didn't take long for John to call for cocktails and order me a Bloody Mary.

My opponent introduced himself as Sam. He kinds looked Eric Mizrachi and he wore an ensemble of Ed Hardy gear. Lots of bedazzling going on.

The first big hand we got involved in came just 3 hands in. I held T6 in the big blind and he limped in. The flop came 4 T 8. He check raised my bet of 300 to 700. I called. The turn was a 7 and he bet out 800. I call. The river is another 8. He bets out 1250. Fucker. I call. He shows 89. Bahhhhh.

During the next few hands he mentions something about Chino (David Rheem) so I ask him if he's from Florida. He says "originally". I fucking knew it! He's one of those guys!

So I call him down in a couple hands with middle pair and lose most of my chips. He also proceeds to fold preflop to all my pairs. 6 of them to be exact. Queens, jacks, nines, eights, sevens, sixes and jacks again.

Ok well... It's taken me most of my stack to figure out that he does not play like those cats from Florida. He's much tighter but that early hand really threw me off.

He gets me down to 2500 before he moves all in from the small blind. I look down at AQ. I call and he shows A8. I double to 5k. Coolio. Back in it.

A few hands later in look down at AK in the small blind and raise to 1200. He moves all in and I call with 4600 left. He shows A8 again and I double to over 9k.

With the blinds at 200/400 I make it 1200 to go from the small blind. Or so I think. Sam looks at the dealer and says "What's that?"

There's only 700 there. I threw out a 500 chip instead of a 1000. So I have to complete to 800. Shit. Blew that one.

Sam moves all in. Ok weird. Seems like he's protecting his hand. I tell him I was trying to raise to 1200.

I read him for a big ace or a medium to small pair. It still seems weird that he would push if he had a weaker hand. He's got to have something. Right? Bollocks. I fold my deuces face up.

He shows an ace. Damn! He did have a weak ace. Still in don't know if I should have stuck it in. Two overs is still a race.

A couple of hands later he slow plays jacks and on a nine high flop and I lose some more chips. The blinds to up to 300/600 and I have 4600.

I ship it on three staight small blinds. I have AT, J9 and Jc9c. He folds a red king on the first two hands and finally calls with K8 on the third hand. The flop is Q high and the turn brings a T. So I can win with a 8, 9, J, or a K. River is an ace and I'm done.

ballsack.

JDN

WSOPE Horse

Of course I forget my receipt and I have to wait 25 minutes for the cage manager to find my carbon copy and another 10 to figure out how to photocopy it. Bollocks.

When I bring my receipt to the registration table they can't read it and I just give him my surname and get my seating assignment. Looking for a knife to stab myself in the eye.

Speaking of which, I found out that that giant ferris wheel is called "The London Eye.". I'm not sure why it has that name but that's what it's called.

Random night shot of "The London Eye."

Table 11 seat 7 (this is obviously the worst seat in the tournament. I'm sitting in front of a giant red light and for people to get into this section, they have to squeeze between me and the giant red light. Its like a red light prostate exam just to get by me. So poor!)

Table draw:
Seat 1: random euro that looks like a younger version of kevin from the office.
Seat 2: random american
Seat 3: andy "the Irish monk" black
Seat 4: random euro that looks like that creepy elton brown of iron chef America and good eats fame
Seat 5: random american internet kid with a retainer. Could be that timex fellow.
Seat 6: random euro that happens to be a full tilt pro and deoderant happens to be optional from where ever he's from.
Seat 7: jdn
Seat 8: Nick Binger's brother, Michael Binger.

Sausage time!
Andrew Black declares it's sausage time. He opens up a tupperware container of Irish (assuming) Sausage on the table and as it pops open, his chips go everywhere. I tell him that's why there's a no sausage on the table rule.

Mike Binger gets moved the hand after getting rolled up queens. I wish I were to get rolled up and moved.

9075 at break. Would have had a bit more if I could avoid the 3 x brick hands in razz.

Level two begins and Phil Ivey sits down in seat 8. Lovely.

I have a flaming hold'em round where I get paid off with a 2nd nut flush and a set. Up to 12500.

In razz elton brown completes with a 9 showing. Yes a 9. It only gets worse from here. Fucking razz.

I call and when the boards read 7 6 5 6 for me and he has A 9 T T. Of course he calls my bet. I lead out blind on 7th, hoping he sees it. He doesn't. He calls. With a T 9 low. He wins. I brick 7th and end up with a J 7 6 5 4.

Elton brown!!!! Your shows suck!

8100 at break. Ivey is officially the luckiest player in poker. Every hand he's opened, he's won. In the stud8 level he rivers aces up agianst my 3 pair.

My left hand with Phil Ivey.

My right hand with Phil Ivey.

3rd level... Fuck the 3rd level.

Elton Brown is my mega mush, with Ivey a close second. I lose all my chips in Omaha on two big hands.

The first bastard of a hand is a huge multi-way pot that was 4 bet pre-flop 5 handed. I held Ah Ad 8h 9h and the flop fell 6h 7h Js. Bet bet bet. Big pot like I said. The turn is a Qd. Bet call call raise call call. 3 handed when the river comes Ts. Elton brown checks. I check. Seat 2, his name is Bruce, bets. Elton raises. This hand don't make sense. Bruce has a set of queens. Elton has to have K9 or AK. I can't call. But it's Elton. He sucks. Fuuuuuck. I fold. Bruce calls Elton shows the 8s9s for the scoop. Skull fuck me in the eye hole please.

A couple of hands later I turn a 6 high flush then river a 6 high straight and get scoped after 3 bets. .Assdffghkllljgcfd

2 orange chips going into dinner. When we come back I'll be behind the button. I will be seeking the sage like advice from Allen Cunningham over beers at all one bar.

Layne flack cracked his Breitling watch at dinner break. He's says security did it, but I'm guessing he was just flailing his arms.

4 level

Holy shit. I'm a fucking rollercoaster. Started with 2000 this level and got all in for the first time with 1400 left. Typically I made a last longer with flack when we both had 2k. Amazingly I tripled up 3 handed all in pre-flop with AA in Omaha. Never seen that before.

I got all in 4 times in that level and doubled up everytime. Once even against Ivey's lucky ass when I out drew him in razz.

Mike Binger comes back to our table and takes Andy Black's seat.

Young Kevin from the office must be getting bored. In stud8 he got me all in with A 3 5 and bricked 4 straight cards against my split kings. On 7th street I said " hope you brick!". And he did. Snap.

A few hands later he reraises me with 3 3 6 vs my Q 9 Q. We get all the money in on 4th street and I hit a flush to double up to 7500ish.

I end the level with 8500.

5th Level

Kinda spin wheels in the next level and lose my iPod to Ivey. He's never heard BlackMilk and I almost had a bet down that he would like it. Phil likes it! So much so that he keeps it with him when the table breaks.

Table break!!!!

I bet Ivey 1k that he wouldn't bring my iPod back fully charged. I think I'm free rolling.

New table draw:
Seat 1: Doyle Brunson
Seat 2: random euro
Seat 3: Max "The Italian "arrrrrr" Pirate" Pesactori
Seat 4: jdn
Seat 5: John Juanda
Seat 6: random euro
Seat 7: Jean Robert Bellande
Seat 8: Robert Williamson the 3rd

Table of death? I think not. I love it.

But then things go sour. I lose a stud hand to the random euro in seat 2 when he slow plays buried aces. I got about 3100 left when I try to get Doyle to agree to a last longer bet. He declines. This is the very next hand courtesy of pokernews.com.

Jason Newitt Eliminated in Ridiculous Stud-8 Quads Hand

Jason Newitt was all in for small change on third street, with Doyle Brunson, Max Pescatori, and John Juanda all in the hand as well.

There was some giggling at Brunson's hand by fourth street and more by fifth street. Eventually he bet it on sixth street and Pescatori got out of the way, but Juanda called.

Juanda: {K-Spades} {A-Spades} {7-Diamonds} {6-Clubs} with {5-Diamonds} {4-Hearts}-X for the low.

Brunson: an entirely astounding {Q-Hearts} {Q-Spades} {Q-Clubs} {5-Hearts} with {3-Hearts} {5-Spades} {Q-Diamonds} for the high.

Newitt: {6-Hearts} {A-Diamonds} {2-Hearts} {6-Spades} with {2-Clubs} {4-Spades} {8-?} for not very much, although he initially thought he'd won the low.

Ok, the facts are right but the details are wrong. Doyle had less chips than me. I think he had 3k and I had 3200. Doyle raised on the door card before I reraised with my A 6 2. Max and Juanda both called and checked it to 6th street before Juanda bet out and Max folded. Anyway, I'm busto and its Miller Time.

After dropping a couple hundo at black jack I run into Layne, Cantu and Madsen in the upstairs bar. More beer. I also meet the danish kid that just won the $1500 event (the first person to win a WSOPE and a WSOPAFY bracelet) and Yuval Bronshtein, who has gone deep a couple of times. Both seem to be pretty pleasant peeps.

Elton Brown also makes and appearance and we break bread over a brew.

Motherfucken' Elton Brown in the house!

Some how I get roped into a heads up tournament on the WSOP heads up video game machine. Layne backs me (scary, I know) and I get heads up with Madsen for the championship.

Madsen is a donkey.

Needless to say I lose and Layne and I hit the black jack tables to dust off another couple of hundo.

I think I'm going to play a satellite to main on Friday. I think its the best chance I have of making any money on this trip since it seems like I can only cash in sats.

JDN